145. A Secret
Duan Shurong replied, "I'm not free today. I have a date with my best friends. But I remember that your workplace is quite close to the TV station. I get off work at 5: 30 pm on weekdays. If you want to have dinner with me, remember to let me know one day in advance!"
He Jin smiled bitterly. Even if Duan Shurong was free today, he would not be able to make it in his current condition. He might even have to ask for leave the next day.
"Okay, I'll contact you again." After the message came and went, the taxi had already arrived at He Jin's place.
He Jin paid the bill and got out of the taxi. He staggered up the stairs. Before he entered the house, he adjusted his breathing. He wanted to face his family normally so that they would not notice anything amiss. But his face was pale and bloodless. His eyes were red and swollen and his lips were bitten. No matter how hard he tried to hide it, his parents would still be able to tell.
"He Jin! You're back! "He Jin's mother hurriedly greeted him when she saw He Jin's dejected look.
He Jin did not run away. Instead, he looked at her with guilt and worry. He reached out and hugged the anxious old woman in his arms. He said softly, "Mom, don't be agitated. I'm back. I'm fine now."
He Jin's mother's eyes reddened. Her son was still worried about her but she only hoped that he was fine. "Are you worried that I'm sick again? Look, Mom and Dad are fine now … Silly, tell me the truth. Why would you think that? You have a stable job now and we've already bought you a house for your wedding. Those women are unlucky to not like you. They don't know how good you are! "
"Am I good …" He Jin was confused. He felt that he was not good at all.
He Jin's mother patted He Jin's back as if he had become a five or six-year-old child. The one who had not grown up yet and needed protection and comfort. He could only rely on himself. "Of course you're good. Didn't you see how your aunt and next-door neighbors envy us? They envy Old He for having such a filial son!"
He Jin did not know whether to laugh or cry. He wanted to deny himself but he was the best in the eyes of others.
"Okay, okay. How old are you? Why can't you take this little blow? I have to scold you again."
Seeing that his mother was about to lecture him, He Jin said weakly, "Mom, I'm very tired. I want to go back to my room and sleep for a while. Is that okay?"
He's mother scolded He Jin for drinking and let him go to rest first. What she wanted to ask was interrupted by He Jin's warm hug.
In fact, during the half an hour of waiting for He Jin to come home, Mama He thought a lot.
After more than half a year of formal psychological treatment, she had also somewhat realized the psychological damage she had caused to her family and son. Now, her condition had improved a lot. Even though he knew that he was sick, he didn't dare to be too agitated. That was because the feeling of having a 'boulder' pressing down on his mind during an attack was completely different from the feeling of having a clear mind under normal circumstances.
Mama He recalled the few words He Jin had said on the phone. His tone was so low and disheartened. Suddenly, she felt an unprecedented sense of panic in her heart. This feeling was completely different from the panic she felt when she had an attack. In the past, she was afraid that He Jin would break away from her and leave her like He Lin did. But this time, it was different. She felt that He Jin was asking her for help, like a child who had been forced into a corner and could only ask his mother for help.
He Jin had been very strong since he was young. Although he looked docile on the surface, there was a high wall erected in his heart. Only under those few violent beatings and pressure did he bow his head to others.
Therefore, ever since He Jin became sensible, Mama He never encountered a situation where He Jin asked her for help again. This made her feel at ease. As a mother, her status and sense of existence were reflected very well. But she was especially panicked because she didn't know what her son's problem was. How could she help him …
After He Jin entered the room, Mama He let her imagination run wild for a while. Then, she pulled Papa He and asked uneasily, "Hey, Old He, don't you feel that there's something wrong with our son? He's been living a good life. Why is he suddenly like this? Did something happen to him?"
Papa He had been observing from the side from the beginning to the end. Now, he couldn't help but sit down and ask, "You just realized it?"
Mama He: "What do you mean?"
Papa He: "I noticed it a long time ago. He Jin is actually not happy, but he usually doesn't show it. Maybe he's worried that it will agitate you."
Mama He said angrily, "Are you blaming me now? Do you think I want to have this kind of illness? Then if I die, you and your father will be free?
Papa He said helplessly, "Look, here you go again. You keep talking about death and living. Do you think we'll feel good hearing such words? Have you taken your medicine? "
Mama He: "…"
Papa He lowered his voice and said, "Dear wife, your son has warned me many times, but he's afraid that I'll treat you as an abnormal mental patient. Say, I've been with you for more than ten years. What kind of suffering have we not experienced? Do I look like the kind of person who will despise you just because you're sick? Let's talk about it peacefully. For the sake of our son, okay? "
Mama He compromised slightly. "Talk about what?"
Papa He: "About something that we didn't dare to face in the past … He Lin's matter."
Mama He's expression changed. She said softly, "He's already gone. What's there to talk about?"
Papa He held Mama He's hand and said patiently, "Bi Qin, the atmosphere in our family started to change the year He Lin passed away. The doctor also said that it was that incident that left a shadow in your heart. Since then, you've been very strict with He Jin. Later on, it became more and more intense. You don't allow him to do anything out of your control."
Mama He said with a straight face, "Isn't that good? A filial son emerges from under the rod. That's why He Jin is more obedient and better than his older brother."
Papa He glanced at He Jin's room door and said, "Do you really think so? But now there's something wrong with our son. Didn't you see it too? "
Mama He said guiltily, "What could be wrong with him? He's still young. I just need to talk to him a little. "
Papa He sighed and said, "That's how the problem came about. Back then, your temperament changed drastically. I also thought that it would get better after some time, so I didn't pay attention to your emotional changes. I also didn't have any common knowledge about depression. That's why your condition developed to what it is now."
Mama He was puzzled. "What does this have to do with He Jin?"
Papa He hesitated for a moment and looked at Mama He. "Have you ever thought about what kind of environment He Jin would be living in without He Lin? Would he have the same ending as his older brother?"
Mama He was stunned. He Jin and He Lin had different personalities. When He Lin was younger, He Lin was more like her. He was straightforward, intense, and impulsive.
Papa He said sadly, "I've thought about it a lot in the past year. I always felt that He Lin's tragedy was just an isolated case. The negative impact He Lin brought to our family after he passed away shouldn't be shouldered by He Jin. He's under too much pressure."
Mama He was speechless.
Papa He caressed Mama He's hand and said in a low voice, "When I accompanied you to the doctor that day, Doctor Zhang reminded me to pay more attention to my and He Jin's psychological changes. It's said that in families of patients with depression, it's common for them to influence each other and become ill."
Mama He fell silent. Her shoulders trembled uncontrollably. After a long time, she said anxiously, "Do you know what He Jin said to me on the phone just now? He said he was a failure. He also asked if he was destined to be unworthy of happiness. Now that you've mentioned it, I realize that maybe you're right. Do you think he's also showing signs of depression?"
Papa He frowned slightly and said in a low voice, "That's what I'm worried about. He Jin doesn't usually show it and hides it well. But in the end, he's just a child in his twenties. There might come a time when he can't take it anymore. What if one day, he collapses from the pressure and suffers from depression? What should we do then? Can we take the blow of losing another son? "
Mama He held Papa He's hand nervously. "How is that possible?"
Papa He asked, "Why not? You've experienced it yourself. When you're sick, you feel that life is meaningless and pessimistic. It can't be reversed in a short period of time. Do you know how much effort He Jin and I had to put in to pull you out of that abyss in the first two years? Now that you're much better, do you think you can understand how you felt at that time? "
Mama He said, "But, but I'm much better now. Why are we still pressuring him? Matchmaking? Marriage? We don't have to rush this. He Jin is a boy. It's fine for him to get married two years later. "
"Bi Qin," Papa He suddenly interrupted her and struggled. "I want to tell you something. It's a secret. But you have to promise to calm down first. Don't vent your anger on the child after you know, and don't get agitated."
Mama He said in a panic, "What is it? What are you hiding from me?"
Papa He patted her hand and said, "Our son told me that before we tell you something that might upset you, we have to let you know that we love you. No matter what happens, we won't abandon you or leave you."
Mama He's heart ached. Her agitated emotions calmed down because of these words. For the past few years, she had been slowly getting better because her son and husband kept saying these words to her.
Papa He watched as she gradually regained her composure. Then, he said solemnly, "He Jin is probably gay too."
Mama He's lips parted slightly. Her heart was in turmoil. She was so shocked that she could not speak. "Wh … What did you say?"
Papa He sighed and told Mama He everything he learned when he went to Hua Hua University to look for He Jin three years ago. He also told her about He Jin's behavior after that. Finally, he explained, "I didn't mean to hide it from you. You were so sick at that time. If I told you, you wouldn't have been able to calm down."
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