If Song Yu's teenage years were to be summed up in one word, it would probably be 'undistracted'.
Undistracted by his studies, undistracted by his plans, and undistracted by his career plans.
Undistracted by his unrequited love.
Most of the time, Song Yu could manage the weight of this matter in his life very well. Occasionally, he would lose control, so the moment he lost control, he would give up and think that it would be better if he and Le Zhishi did not live under the same roof.
Reducing the frequency of contact with him and reducing the density of information about him in his life, this way, he should be able to control his unrequited love more freely.
However, this conclusion was later overturned by Song Yu himself.
Because even if he was separated by half the field and could not hear his voice or see his smiling face, just the back view of him seriously learning to shoot would make his heart move.
Of all the things that seemed to be controllable, his feelings for Le Zhishi were the most unstable. However, Song Yu felt that it was okay and could still be tolerated. It was just that this feeling came inexplicably, as if he could not find the starting point.
No matter how he looked back in his memory, it seemed that he could not pinpoint the exact time when he started to like Le Zhishi. Or perhaps it was because he was always confused, so he always tried to recall, so Song Yu remembered every bit of Le Zhishi very clearly.
When he closed his eyes, he could remember the scene when he first saw Le Zhishi. He could imagine that he was very beautiful and cute. A pair of small and soft hands, so small that he did not know how to call him big brother.
However, he did not have a good time at that time. The guilt for causing Le Zhishi's illness and the psychological trauma caused by Uncle Le's unexpected death were all torturing a six-year-old child.
The only way to alleviate it was to be good to Le Zhishi secretly.
For example, when he was in elementary school, without Le Zhishi's knowledge, he helped him teach a lesson to the boys in his class who had scolded him for not having parents. Or he always put annoying milk candy in his pocket and urged him to brush his teeth at night.
For example, he rode a bike to a faraway place to buy a difficult comic book. In the end, he lied to him that he bought it at the school gate and threw it to him casually.
Le Zhishi would be very happy, but he would also believe that he had bought it casually.
He was very gullible and did not need to be coaxed.
Therefore, Song Yu did not even have the chance to reveal his secret love.
He was always being nice to Le Zhishi in an underhanded manner and then acted as if he didn't care at all. In the beginning, his acting was really clumsy, but he was able to hide it more or less.
It always rained frequently in this city. In summer, it was as if one was soaked in rainwater. There were so many people on the road that no matter how careful he was, his pants would get wet. Even adults were like this, let alone children.
When he was young, Song Yu didn't feel much about the continuous rain because he was a child who walked very carefully. In the morning, he would put on his rain boots before going out and then go home clean. But Le Zhishi was different. He was even more clumsy on rainy days. Even if he wasn't drowning, he would still accidentally step on the upturned floor tiles and get splashed all over.
It would be even worse if he was drowning. Once, when he was still in first grade, Le Zhishi was tricked by a male classmate to accompany him to the snack bar to buy delicious food for him. In the end, his pants were soaked all the way to his knees and there was nothing to eat. He was very sad, but he didn't dare to tell Song Yu.
After school, they met on the first floor of the teaching building. When Song Yu saw Le Zhishi's pants and aggrieved face, he realized that he had been going to class like this the whole afternoon.
"You're not allowed to leave the classroom on rainy days." He was a little angry and made a very unreasonable request to Le Zhishi.
But when he heard Le Zhishi softly agree, Song Yu couldn't help but change his words.
"You're not allowed to leave the teaching building." He said awkwardly, "What do you want to eat? Come upstairs and find me. I'll buy it for you."
At that time, Le Zhishi just sniffed and stubbornly reached out to hold Song Yu's hand.
Song Yu stopped him and said, "Do you understand? Don't run away with other people. "
"I understand." Le Zhishi's eyes and nose were red as he nodded obediently to Song Yu.
However, probably because of the trauma that he had suffered once, Le Zhishi still wouldn't leave the classroom when it really rained, even if Song Yu said that he would take him to the supermarket. Unless there was thunder. He would miss Song Yu so much that sometimes he couldn't help but cry.
When school was over, Le Zhishi would still run to Song Yu's classroom and hold on to the back door, blinking his big eyes and waiting obediently for Song Yu.
Generally speaking, Song Yu discovered Le Zhishi's existence through the whispers of the people around him. Because no one dared to talk to Song Yu in class, everyone whispered to each other. When he heard the words "that cute little brother" and "mixed-blood cutie", he could roughly guess that Le Zhishi was waiting for him behind the classroom.
After class, Song Yu packed his bag and turned around as if he didn't know anything.
The moment their eyes met, Le Zhishi would jump happily, then run into the classroom and hug Song Yu's waist. He would look up at him with a silly smile and call him Brother Yu.
"Did your pants get wet today?"
"No." When Le Zhishi shook his head, his soft curly hair looked fluffy, which doubled his cuteness. "I didn't step out of the classroom today."
Song Yu thought he was silly. He wanted to say that he could come upstairs to find him, but in the end, he didn't say it.
That day, the driver was on sick leave, so Song Yu wanted to take Le Zhishi home in a taxi. He knew very well that Le Zhishi would get his pants wet no matter what, so he directly carried Le Zhishi on his back and let Le Zhishi hold the umbrella.
He was lying on Song Yu's back obediently, his arms hugging tightly. He was in a particularly good mood and sang a strange but not bad nursery rhyme.
"Brother Yu, Zhang Chengyu apologized to me today."
Zhang Chengyu was the classmate who tricked Le Zhishi into buying snacks for him.
"Yes."
Song Yu thought about the scene when he taught him a lesson. He felt that a child like that didn't seem like someone who would really feel sorry. He was just being pressured by a senior student.
Le Zhishi said and started singing again. His head was so low that his face was almost touching Song Yu's neck. When he hummed randomly, his breath was wet, comparable to the air on a rainy day.
"Don't forgive him."
It was as if Song Yu was instilling the idea of not being forgiving enough into a child, but that was really what he thought.
Le Zhishi was too kind. Even if he was bullied, he would feel that it was because he was different from others that he was ostracized. He would never feel that it was the fault of others.
"But I already said that it's okay." Le Zhishi hugged his neck. When he felt Song Yu stand still, he lifted him up. "I won't forgive him next time."
"Do you want this kind of thing to happen again?"
"No." Le Zhishi sniffed. "It's so uncomfortable when my pants are wet."
Song Yu could imagine how uncomfortable it would be. He carried Le Zhishi to the side of the road. "Why didn't you tell the teacher?"
"I forgot." Le Zhishi curled up beside his neck. He was as sticky as a piece of soft candy that couldn't be shaken off. "Brother Yu, I only want to look for you."
The car stopped in front of the two children. The taxi driver lowered the window and looked at them hesitantly. "Are you going?"
Song Yu nodded and skipped his response to Le Zhishi.
When he was in fourth grade, he didn't know how to express his inner thoughts to Le Zhishi.
Later, he realized that it was the same when he grew up.
The confusion, rebellion, and struggle of adolescence were all silently dedicated to him by Song Yu.
Although he couldn't remember when he started to have feelings for Le Zhishi, Song Yu remembered the turning point of his feelings.
It was also summer, and the middle school exams were approaching. It was a stormy night when Le Zhishi couldn't sleep well. At that time, Le Zhishi wouldn't desperately climb into Song Yu's bed like he did when he was three years old. After being rejected once, he would obediently return to his room, leaving Song Yu alone to regret.
The reason for the rejection was actually very simple. Someone in the class joked about Song Yu and a girl, comparing them to a couple in the next class who fell in love early. They talked about inappropriate topics like "first kiss" and "first love." He felt annoyed and depressed, so he said to Le Zhishi, "I'm very tired. You should go back to your room and sleep."
Lying on the bed, Song Yu closed his eyes and told himself to go to sleep early. However, the noise of the rain made his already uneasy heart even more impetuous. After an unknown amount of time, he finally fell asleep. Many strange scenes appeared in his dream. He was hugging a person, and just like what his classmates said, he was sweetly enjoying his first love and first kiss.
Outside the dream, a sudden clap of thunder flashed, illuminating the face of the person in the dream.
Song Yu woke up with a start, covered in sweat. He was stunned for half a minute before he realized that something was wrong with him. At four o 'clock in the morning, he changed his pants and bed sheets. He sat on the floor of the bathroom and stared blankly at the rumbling washing machine for a long time. It was embarrassing, and he was depressed.
When he opened the bedroom door in the morning, as usual, Song Yu followed Lin Rong's instructions and knocked on Le Zhishi's door to wake him up.
He stood at the door and stared at the combination lock for a minute. He heard the sound of slippers on the floor. The next moment, Le Zhishi slowly opened the door. He was wearing very soft white pajamas. He raised his hand to rub his eyes and subconsciously hugged Song Yu.
"Brother Yu, I still want to sleep." Le Zhishi buried his face in his chest and hugged his waist with his arms. He was especially clingy when he wasn't awake.
Song Yu uncomfortably held his shoulders and moved him away.
He went downstairs and said to Lin Rong, "Don't make me wake him up in the future."
The fifteen-year-old Song Yu opened the puberty test paper and smoothly reached the end. However, he encountered the most difficult question in history.
The first question was, "What should I do if I fall in love with a boy?"
The second question was, "What should I do if I fall in love with Le Zhishi, who is no different from my younger brother?"
He rarely had the thought of giving up on answering the question. He didn't even want the score he had gotten before, which was close to full marks.
Because he didn't know how to deal with it, Song Yu chose to maintain the status quo. After all, Le Zhishi didn't know anything. It was rare for him to naively fantasize that he might not like him one day.
Not all people were like this.
However, it seemed that changing one's heart was much more difficult than expected. Song Yu was picky and his social circle was narrow. Since he was young, he didn't seem to see anyone worthy of falling in love with. Other than his studies, it seemed that Le Zhishi was the only person in his life.
After the middle school exams, Song Jin said that he wanted to give him a gift and asked Song Yu to ask for it. He rarely had anything he wanted because he felt that he had everything. So when his father asked, Song Yu's first reaction was that Le Zhishi liked to watch cartoons and wanted a projector.
Of course, he got one later and spent the whole morning installing it in the bedroom, facing the bed. He felt that Le Zhishi was very lazy and would prefer to lie in bed and watch TV.
He spent the precious afternoon downloading Le Zhishi's favorite cartoons and adjusting the screen in the dark room for a long time with the curtains drawn. When he was finally satisfied, he was ready to find an excuse to invite Le Zhishi to watch it.
Song Yu didn't think of an invitation. He just practiced in his mind how to rationally explain that he had the cartoon.
However, Lin Rong never wanted to be the only child in the family to receive a gift. So, almost on the same day, she added a new high-definition wall-mounted TV to Le Zhishi's bedroom. Le Zhishi was very happy and showed off many times at the dinner table. The TV was very high-definition and the colors were very good.
So, Song Yu didn't say anything.
That night, he couldn't sleep. He played the cartoons he downloaded on mute for the whole night, but only 20 episodes were played.
Leaning on the bed, he watched while thinking, 'Why is it so long? What's so good about it?
What's so good about it that I like it so much? '
That was the first time in his life that he felt that the night was difficult to endure.
However, Song Yu didn't have any resentment towards Le Zhishi because he wasted an entire day. He felt that he would waste a lot more time on this little fool.
He thought indifferently, 'Fortunately, I'm an efficient person and have plenty of time.'
The next night, Song Yu endured the adverse effects of insomnia and was forced and persuaded by Qin Yan and the class leader to attend the graduation dinner of his junior high school classmates. Everyone would talk about a lot of unrelated topics during dinner. It was easy to get distracted while listening. Song Yu couldn't remember how they had gone from eating barbecue to talking about a rumor that was treated as a joke.
"Don't you know about German orthopedics? You're too backward. "
"Aren't they just siblings?"
"What? Siblings in a relationship? "
"That's strange … It's a bit perverted."
During the whole process, Song Yu didn't say a word. His behavior was no different from usual. On the way home, Qin Yan pestered him to talk.
"Today, Yao Mu was so annoying. He kept asking me why your brother doesn't have your surname and why they don't look alike." Even though Qin Yan's relationship with Le Zhishi wasn't that close, he still looked very distressed, "Later, I told him that Le's parents passed away because of an accident and he was entrusted to your family. But that idiot told someone else. "
As if he was afraid that Song Yu would be unhappy, Qin Yan quickly added, "But I taught him a lesson. I don't think he'll tell anyone about Lele's matter. "
Song Yu grunted coldly and sped up his bike. He went home in silence.
The wind of the summer night blew his white t-shirt up slightly, but his chest was empty and his heart was hanging.
Le Zhishi was like his only allergen, but she appeared everywhere in his life. She was so soft and so cute that he couldn't escape and couldn't reject her.
That night, Song Yu thought about the jokes of his classmates at the dinner table and deleted all the animations that he downloaded for Le Zhishi. He didn't know why, but those jokes didn't sound funny to him. Instead, they gave him a very detached feeling.
On one hand, like many normal people, he felt that siblings were perverted and that the older brother must be despicable.
On the other hand, he wanted to know what happened next.
He was discovered, his leg was broken, and then he was cured. What happened next?
In the end, he couldn't think of a follow-up. He couldn't check the online comments, but Song Yu made a decision. He didn't want Le Zhishi to call him brother anymore.
Just like Qin Yan, he didn't know how to face other people's questions. He didn't know how to tell the reason without letting everyone know that he had lost his parents. How to explain it without hurting Le Zhishi a second time.
What's more, he wasn't Le Zhishi's biological brother to begin with.
He believed that as long as outsiders didn't think that Le Zhishi and he were real brothers, he could have a shield of forgiveness and space to be more focused.
The projector that he bought for Le Zhishi ended up being used by Song Yu to play a lot of geological documentaries. When he saw these, he would think of Yue Yi in the past and become more vigilant.
Le Zhishi also quickly got tired of his new television. He would run to Song Yu's room without permission and pester him to play games with him. After being rejected by Song Yu, he wouldn't leave and would stay in his room to watch documentaries that he wasn't interested in.
Every time this happened, Song Yu's focus would fail.
His eyes were fixed on the documentary, but he was thinking about when Le Zhishi would get bored and go back to his room.
But as long as he didn't chase him away and Lin Rong didn't come to urge him to go back to sleep, Le Zhishi wouldn't leave.
Of all the traps that could appear, he was the purest and the most persistent one. He had to stay by Song Yu's side and jump into the trap.
It was as if he wouldn't give up until he got the result.
Le Zhishi also entered Peiya Junior School when he went to high school in another district. Everyone had a new batch of classmates. Song Yu followed his previous decision and implemented his isolation plan.
Le Zhishi always listened to him and gave him whatever he wanted, so he played along and pretended to be complete strangers in school. There was no interaction or interaction between them.
The person who felt uncomfortable at first was Song Yu.
When they were still in the same elementary school, Le Zhishi would wait for him at the door of the classroom after class. Now that they were in the same middle school, Le Zhishi was still waiting for him. It was just that the range and distance had been enlarged to that of a stranger. He sat in the long corridor that connected two classrooms and waited for him.
In fact, Song Yu knew all about it.
Song Yu knew from the first day Le Zhishi wandered around the long corridor but didn't dare to walk to the high school building.
But he thought that this was the right thing to do. He couldn't really do anything with his brother.
Excluding the early discomfort and the occasional surge of possessiveness, this tacit understanding of playing the role of a stranger in a crowd sometimes brought Song Yu a little joy.
There were a few times when they met in the cafeteria. When Le Zhishi saw him, he would unconsciously act stupid. Sometimes they would move hands and feet. Sometimes they would bump into pedestrians.
Another time, Le Zhishi, who didn't like to look at where he was walking, bumped directly into Song Yu's arms.
He lowered his head and didn't dare to look at Song Yu. His long and soft eyelashes fluttered as he stammered an apology. Then he called him "senior" in a very distant manner.
When he thought of this guy using all his means to sneak into his room at night and beg him to teach him math problems, Song Yu felt that this kind of camouflage was very interesting.
"It's okay." He reached out to support Le Zhishi.
"Watch where you're going, junior."
It was difficult to have a crush on someone at such a close distance, but it was undeniable that liking someone would bring joy and excitement.
Peiya's flag raising team was a combination of junior high and senior high school. There were four flag guards. Two of them worked together to raise the flag, one from the senior high school and the other from the junior high school.
Song Yu, who was selected to be the flag raising team in his first year of high school, kept pushing it back. In the end, he couldn't refuse and was forced to join the team in his second year of high school. During meetings, he always did his own homework. That was until a meeting in the second semester of his second year of high school, when the team leader mentioned a name.
"… Luo Xing, who was partnered with Le Zhishi from the junior high school, sprained his ankle. Now the senior high school needs to be replaced. It's next week, so someone has to take over. Who wants to do it earlier?"
Song Yu, who was never enthusiastic about helping others, suggested that someone else should take over.
"I don't want to raise the flag near the end of the semester, so I'll do it earlier." He gave a somewhat clumsy reason, but his willfulness was in line with the impression he gave others. Since he stepped forward bravely, the team leader gratefully changed the order.
Song Yu wanted to scare Le Zhishi, so he didn't tell him about it. Even though Le Zhishi mentioned that he was going to raise the flag next week during supper, he didn't say anything.
Le Zhishi made him feel like an adolescent high school boy, who would play silly pranks on the person he liked and never tired of imagining him being scared.
On Monday, they went out before dawn and changed into the uniform of the flag raisers when they arrived at school. In the misty early summer morning, the sky faintly shone on the field soaked with dew. Song Yu pressed down on his cap and followed another boy from the senior high school to walk behind the two flag raisers from the junior high school.
It wasn't until he stood on the flag raising platform as the senior high school's representative and faced Le Zhishi, who had a serious expression that was somewhat cute, that the little fool realized.
Under the brim of his cap, his beautiful eyes were wide open. His thick eyelashes fluttered up and down, like a dragonfly skimming the surface of the water, then parted.
She thought that Le Zhishi would be the only one who would be in a mess after making enough preparations.
But in fact, that wasn't the case. Song Yu's heart was in a mess.
Amidst the music and the chirping of cicadas in the summer, he cleared his throat slightly to remind Le Zhishi that she was still in a daze. He looked at Le Zhishi who was visibly nervous. She seemed to have forgotten most of the movements that she had practiced repeatedly on the balcony at home, but she still worked hard to follow Song Yu. They cooperated to raise the red flag to the top at the moment when the music ended.
Then, the school flag was raised and Peiya's school song played. The main flag-raiser of the school flag was a student from the junior high school, Le Zhishi. He stiffly raised the purple school flag with the school emblem on it and pulled the rope bit by bit along with the school song, carefully controlling his own speed.
Song Yu stood quietly beside him. Suddenly, he heard a sound, followed by a flapping sound. Just as he felt that something was wrong, the huge school flag suddenly fell and covered Le Zhishi.
The thousands of students under the flag-raising platform watched the accident happen with their own eyes. Some of them even cried out in alarm.
Song Yu, who was covered by the flag, was also very confused, but he could still think. But in the next second, Le Zhishi grabbed his arm and whispered.
"Brother, what should we do?"
Submerged under the flag, they avoided everyone's gaze, as if they had temporarily restored their intimate relationship. So Song Yu quickly shook his hand.
"It's okay. Don't be afraid."
He lifted the school flag, saluted the leaders and students in apology, and then bowed deeply with Le Zhishi. He calmly got up and saluted in the direction of the radio station's clock tower.
As the station's director, Qin Yan quickly reacted and replayed the school song when Le Zhishi was ready. This gave them a chance to remedy the accident immediately after it happened.
After it was over, Le Zhishi and Song Yu were brought in for a talk by the teacher in charge of the national flag team. However, they were not punished because the accident was not entirely due to Le Zhishi's nervousness. In fact, it was because the rope on the flagpole was old and broke.
"Fortunately, you handled it well." The teacher glanced at Song Yu. "High school seniors are different. They're very calm."
She smiled and urged Le Zhishi, "You have to thank your senior properly later."
Coming out of the office, Le Zhishi was a bit depressed. The summer sun shone on him bit by bit, making his uniform look even better.
In the crowded corridor, they still maintained a strange distance from each other.
"You didn't tell me either." Le Zhishi said vaguely and softly, as if he was afraid that a passing student would see through a stranger's act. "You gave me a fright."
"So, you think it's my fault?" Song Yu was like a senior whose relationship with him had stopped at the national flag team.
Le Zhishi shook his head. "It's my fault." He looked like he wanted to say something else, but a girl hugging a thick stack of homework walked through the wide gap between them, so he paused.
"You didn't do anything wrong," Song Yu said lightly. "Like I said, it's the rope."
"No." When there was no one around, Le Zhishi spoke again, his voice soft but honest. "I was too nervous."
Walking with him to the stairs, Le Zhishi lowered his head and seemed to be talking to himself. "I get distracted whenever I see you. What should I do …" A student came up the stairs, and he covered his ears and stole a bell.
"… Senior."
The summer wind was warm, and it blew Le Zhishi's soft voice into Song Yu's ears.
"Being distracted is not a big deal." He seemed to be comforting him.
It was better than being tempted.
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