"What's your age? Where do you live? What's your current occupation? "
Xiong YaoYue had no choice but to act as the presiding judge under the class leader's gaze.
I responded according to the script: "I'm 16 years old and I live on Jian She Road. I was a first year high school student before I was arrested."
"Have you ever been punished by the law before?"
"No."
"When and why were you detained and arrested this time?"
"I was detained on December 14, 2013 and arrested on January 3, 2014 due to suspicion of robbery."
Then Xiong YaoYue announced the list of court members and the rights of each person involved. There were a lot of mistakes and it made the students laugh non-stop.
"What are you laughing at?" Xiong YaoYue imitated Stephen Chow's tone and knocked on the blackboard eraser, "Didn't you guys hear what I was saying? Because this case involves minors, it will not be heard in public according to Article 112 of the Criminal Procedure Law of the People's Republic of China. So in theory, you, the audience, don't exist! "
Zhuang Ni weakly corrected her: "It's Article 152."
After the students finally calmed down, we finally entered the court investigation stage.
The class leader stood up and began to read the indictment.
"Xicheng District People's Procuratorate indictment, Xi Jian Xing Zi [2013] No. 6."
"Defendant Ye Lin, male, 16 years old, Han nationality, lives on Jian She Road. He was a first year high school student at Xicheng Middle School before he was arrested and is currently being held in the Xicheng District Detention Center."
"… The case of robbery has been investigated by the Xicheng District Public Security Bureau and transferred to this court for prosecution. After investigation, it has been found that:
Defendant Ye Lin has been living at Xicheng Middle School since September 2013. He didn't study properly and spent most of his time in internet cafes and game rooms because he didn't have any supervision from his parents. On the 13th of December, 2013, the defendant, Ye Lin, used up all the money his parents gave him to play online games. Since he had no money to go online, he came to an alley in Xicheng District 28th Street and used a knife to threaten and rob Geng YuHong and Gong CaiCai who were returning home from school. He stole ¥10 from Geng YuHong and ¥5 from Gong CaiCai. During the robbery, Ye Lin used a knife to cut Geng YuHong's hand and the forensic doctor determined that it was only a minor injury … "" Damn, Zhuang Ni's script is too harsh. Even if I don't have money to go online, I wouldn't go to my alma mater and rob Loud Mouth and Gong CaiCai! Moreover, he only managed to snatch 15 yuan in total. It was really a disgrace to the robbers! As a Ms. Perfect, how could Gong CaiCai only have five yuan on her? Zhuang Ni, you didn't put in any effort to edit the script you got from the internet. You just wanted to defame me! "
"The stolen RMB was squandered by the defendant online. On December 14th, 2013, the defendant, Ye Lin, once again came to the vicinity of 28 Middle to commit a robbery. He was discovered by the victim, Geng YuHong. After reporting to the school's teacher, the teacher arrested the defendant and handed him over to the police. "
"… … This court believes that the defendant, Ye Lin, disregarded the laws of the state and used violent means to rob another person's property for the purpose of illegally possessing another person's property. In the process of robbery, he caused a minor injury. His actions have already violated the provisions of Article 263 of the Criminal Law of the People's Republic of China and constituted the crime of robbery. In accordance with the provisions of Article 141 of the Criminal Procedure Law of the People's Republic of China, this court has instituted a public prosecution. Please punish him according to the law. "
After the lengthy statement, Xiong YaoYue, who was about to fall asleep, rubbed her eyes and asked me according to the script: "Defendant Ye Lin, do you have an opinion on the charges?"
"I don't have an opinion."
Actually, I already had an opinion. Since Zhuang Ni had just finished the script, no one, including the class leader, was familiar with the script and didn't expect it to be this fraudulent.
Soon, it was time for the prosecutor to ask the defendant questions.
The class leader read the script with a serious expression: "Defendant Ye Lin, is it true that you robbed students in 28 Middle School?"
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry as I replied: "It's true."
"Then how many students did you rob in total? How much money did you rob? "
"I robbed two students, so there was 15 yuan."
"What method did you use to get the students to give you the money?"
"I held a switchblade in my hand and pointed it at … at the two girls, asking them to give me some money to spend. The two girls said they had no money, so I used the switchblade to cut the fat girl's hand. They were afraid, so they gave me the money."
What kind of crappy script is this? Do I need a switchblade to rob two girls?
Next was the testimony of the victims, Loud Mouth and Gong CaiCai. It was nothing more than a retelling of the case according to the script. Loud Mouth read it very fluently, but Gong CaiCai kept making mistakes and didn't dare to look me in the eye. She was probably scared by my tone of voice a few days ago.
Then it was finally the turn of the defense, Xiao Qin. According to the original script, she didn't even ask the victims questions. Instead, she asked me endless questions like "why did you rob money to go online", "can you not go online", and other topics that were similar to criticizing internet addiction. She didn't seem like a defense lawyer, but more like a prosecution lawyer.
Xiao Qin was very dissatisfied with the script. She directly slammed the script on the table and was going to improvise.
"Defendant, Ah Lin …"
Hey! I can understand that you're nervous because you have androphobia, but don't call me by my nickname! Being intimate with the defendant won't help you win the case!
After I reminded her, Xiao Qin quickly changed her words: "Defendant Ye Lin, why did you admit to a crime you didn't commit? Who are you being coerced by? "
This kind of emotional questioning was typical of American lawyers, and it was very out of place compared to the other parts of the script.
"Xiao Qin, you read it wrong …" The class leader was about to correct her, but Xiao Qin pointed at the class leader and yelled: "Prosecutor, don't try to get close to me! Right now is the time for me to question the defendant, I object to the prosecutor interfering with us! "
Xiong YaoYue probably watched a lot of Hong Kong TVB courtroom dramas back in the day, so she knocked on the blackboard eraser in high spirits and announced: "Objection valid! Defense, please continue your questioning! "
Xiao Qin pretended to clear her throat and asked: "Ye Lin, the following questions involve whether or not you can be acquitted, please answer them seriously!"
Although she didn't call me 'Ah Lin', she already erased the word 'defendant' in front of Ye Lin.
"First question, what is the second most murderous animal in the world?"
I was surprised. This was something I had taught Xiao Qin in the past. I didn't expect to be asked about it at this moment.
"It's the hippopotamus, and the most murderous animal is the mosquito."
"Good, second question, who is the famous actress with six toes?"
"Marilyn Monroe."
"Third question, can you put a 400W incandescent light bulb in your mouth?"
"Of course not! You won't be able to take it out if you put it in your mouth! "
Xiao Qin seemed to have spent a lot of energy asking this question. She pressed her hands on the desk and nodded tiredly.
"Then, since Ye Lin answered these three questions that only an innocent person can answer, then Ye Lin is completely innocent! I ask the presiding judge to immediately release Ye Lin! That way, I'll treat the presiding judge to Haagen-Dazs afterwards! "
The moment she said that, it immediately caused a burst of laughter from the students. Many guys were discussing: "Xiao Qin is so funny! I didn't see her speak much before, but I never expected her to be this funny. No wonder she's Xiong YaoYue's roommate! "
Xiong YaoYue asked in shock: "Is it true that you're treating me to Haagen-Dazs afterwards?"
Xiong YaoYue could only put away her gluttonous expression when she saw the class leader's questioning gaze and said seriously: "The defense's words are completely unreasonable, I can't declare the defendant innocent based on that alone. Also, you actually dared to bribe the judge in court …"
Xiao Qin clenched her teeth, "Is two Haagen-Dazs still not enough?"
Xiong YaoYue's eyes immediately lit up. She slammed the blackboard eraser and announced loudly: "That makes sense! Although the defendant committed robbery with a knife and the evidence is conclusive, considering he was a minor at the time of the crime and the Haagen-Dazs circumstances, the court declares that he is not guilty … "
Damn it! Voluntarily surrendering and actively compensating can be considered as mitigating circumstances, what's the Haagen-Dazs circumstances? You're too easy to bribe as the presiding judge!
Before Xiong YaoYue could say the word 'not guilty', the class leader quickly walked behind Xiong YaoYue and pulled her away from the bench by her ear.
Zhuang Ni cooperated and sat in the presiding judge's seat from the vice presiding judge's seat. She then announced in a flat tone: "Because the presiding judge suddenly had a mental illness and insisted that he was the reincarnation of the Song Dynasty's Bao Qingtian, he has now been sent to Dong Shan Mental Hospital for treatment. I will be handling this case as the presiding judge, my opinion is — — death penalty! "
The students laughed even more happily. The Five Tigers of the Punishment Squad even had tears in their eyes. Even the picky Jiang Qian had a smile on her face.
After the class leader pushed Xiong YaoYue into the audience seats, she turned around and called for a time out: "Stop messing around, let's start over."
However, the audience (especially Xiong YaoYue) was not happy. They raised their arms and shouted: "Keep acting! It's so interesting! We want to watch the court debate! It's so annoying doing tests every day, it's finally interesting … "
The class leader couldn't help but be speechless. She saw that Xiao Qin's defense lawyer was full of energy, as if she had temporarily forgotten about her androphobia. She suddenly felt that this might be a rare opportunity. Even if she couldn't cure Xiao Qin's androphobia, she could at least let the students who were under a lot of pressure from studying vent.
Thus the class leader looked at the clock on the blackboard, "Then I'll give you 20 minutes to do whatever you want. Once you're done, you'll have to rehearse the script. "
"Long live the class leader!" The audience burst into enthusiastic cheers.
Xiong YaoYue wanted to return to the bench, but she was pulled back by Xing Xing, "Sis Yue Yue, you're already in the mental hospital, you can't go back."
At this time, Xiao Qin retaliated against Zhuang Ni's death penalty proposal: "Presiding judge, if you insist that Ye Lin is guilty, then which argument can you refute? Isn't a hippopotamus the animal that kills the second most people in the world? Doesn't Marilyn Monroe have six toes? Can you put a 400,000 light bulb in your mouth and then take it out? "
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