It wasn't that Fang Juexia hadn't fantasized about seeing him again. He was cold-hearted, but he also had fantasies.
He thought about receiving a call from his mother one day when he was busy, telling him that his "father" was back. She had been waiting for him for so long. Every time he received a call from his mother, his feelings were complicated. It was as if he was looking forward to it, but also as if he was afraid.
He also thought that perhaps he would be hiding in the audience at a future concert. Although Fang Juexia couldn't see clearly, perhaps he would be below, listening to him sing and watching him dance.
Then Fang Juexia would think in his heart, "Dad, look, I'm not a failure. Even if I can't see clearly, even if I have a birthmark on my face, I can still have a stage. "
So many fantasies were shattered at this moment.
Fang Juexia never dreamed that they would meet again in such a sorry state.
It turned out that the person who had been following him for so many days wasn't an illegitimate child, nor was it a paparazzi. It wasn't even the company that wanted to drag him down. It was his father.
His great father, who knew that he had night blindness, held a steel rod in his hand and swung it at his back in the dark underground parking lot.
His back hurt faintly. The pain and impact made Fang Juexia unable to think.
He silently looked at the face in front of him, which was already far from the face in his memory. Finally, he turned his head coldly and said to his personal bodyguard, "Please deal with it according to Pei Tingsong's idea."
"Okay." The man was very professional. Without saying a word, he immediately prepared to take the vicious criminal away. However, the skinny middle-aged man suddenly burst out with strength and struggled with all his might. He even shouted, "You heartless thing! You don't even want to acknowledge your own father! "
He cursed with all kinds of vulgarities without any logic or order. He was no different from a lunatic. Fang Juexia didn't want to listen to any of it. But in the end, he cursed his mother as well.
So the moment he turned around, Fang Juexia stopped and his back stiffened for a second. He walked forward and stopped in front of the thick steel rod. He bent down and picked it up, then turned around and walked toward the lunatic.
When he was in front of him, Fang Juexia took out his phone from his pocket and turned on the flashlight, aiming it at his old face.
"Fang Ping, you're on drugs, aren't you?" It was a question, but his tone was firm and his expression calm, as if he was stating a fact that had nothing to do with him.
The person in front of him seemed to be stunned, but he couldn't control his emotions. His facial muscles were twitching, It was very strange.
Fang Juexia nodded, confirming his judgment. "The drug addiction is acting up."
Fang Juexia had thought that there was still hope for him when he was first exposed to illegal drugs. He had believed in the television when they said that people could turn over a new leaf after making a mistake.
's a's a person ''s's't's a''s a's''s right,'t, ''s,' '''t,'s, maybe ''s''t's/'t ''s
But as time went by, as he became more rational, he understood that a '' sudden repentance '' was a low probability event. Most people would make mistakes again and again, never repenting. Those who were addicted to drugs were outlaws who deceived their character. They would do anything.
Fang Juexia stood in front of him and realized that he was already taller than Fang Ping. The time he was abandoned had made him grow up quickly. Now that he looked at him again, he realized how down and out he was. He was so useless, like a shriveled husk that had been sucked dry of life.
He raised the steel rod abruptly. In that instant, Fang Juexia saw Fang Ping's shoulders trembling.
He let out a soft, cold laugh. "You wanted to do this to me just now, didn't you?"
His gaze fell on his crippled leg. Fang Juexia took the rod down and patted it lightly. He asked calmly, "Or did you want to break my leg like you did?"
"I didn't!" Fang Ping's body trembled non-stop. Every word he said seemed to fall out of his mouth. "I didn't. I just, I just wanted to knock you out …"
"Knock me out." Fang Juexia repeated his expression. "And then? Kidnap? Blackmail? Take a large sum of money to buy drugs that you can't even dream of? "
Fang Ping did not say anything. He could barely speak. His legs were trembling so much that he could not even stand properly. He could only let the bodyguard drag him along like a dummy sewn out of rags and cotton.
The bodyguard said, "Mr. Fang, Young Master has arranged a place. He told me to lock him up there and wait for him to come back if we catch him." He looked at Fang Ping's condition. It was not suitable for him to stay. "Why don't I bring him there first? You can go back and rest."
Someone could come here at any time. Pei Tingsong had thought it through thoroughly.
"There's no need to tell Pei Tingsong." Fang Juexia smiled bleakly. "He's already in a terrible fix."
Compared to the other party, none of them were in a better state.
Fang Ping's drug addiction kicked in and he was half-unconscious. He was taken away by the bodyguard. Fang Juexia decided to go with him. When Fang Ping woke up, he would interrogate him again. He had to get to the bottom of this.
The steel rod in his hand was heavy. Fang Juexia looked down. It was so long and so heavy. If he were to be hit on the head, he would not just be unconscious.
He seemed to be anticipating the dull pain.
After throwing the steel rod into the trunk, Fang Juexia sorted out his emotions. He knew very well that he could not drive in his condition. Something would definitely happen, so he got into the bodyguard's car and they left the company's underground parking lot together.
Fang Juexia sat in the passenger seat in a daze. He listened to Fang Ping's struggles and screams as he was tied up. It felt unreal. It was like a bloody drama. It was ugly and torturous.
His forehead was bruised. It began to bleed. It itched and flowed to his eyelids. He raised his hand and wiped it away with the back of his hand. He continued to look ahead. He had cultivated himself into a rock, but it turned out that a rock could feel pain too.
The bodyguard took him to an apartment. He threw the tied-up Fang Ping into one of the rooms and tied him to a single bed like an animal.
"Mr. Fang, you can rest for a while. Call me if you need anything. I'll keep an eye on him. "
Fang Juexia opened his mouth like a puppet. A hoarse voice came from his throat. "Thank you." His only request was a glass of water.
He held the glass of water and stubbornly refused to rest. Instead, he went to the room where Fang Ping was locked up. He sat at a table less than three meters away and looked at him silently.
His throat was dry and itchy. He only turned on a bedside lamp because he did not want to see too clearly.
For the whole night, Fang Juexia listened to his screams and roars like an emotionless bystander. The loss of control of his mind and spirit, controlled by illegal drugs, was laid out in front of him. He kicked and tore the bedsheets, writhing and struggling, white foam coming out of his mouth. The scene was blurred under the effect of Night Blindness. It was as if he was watching a raging fire from afar, watching a living person melting in the sinful flames, turning into charcoal, ash, and a puddle of stinking, stagnant water.
The reunion after so many years had accumulated a nightmare.
Looking at the scene before him, Fang Juexia's mind flashed untimely images. They were all images of Fang Ping's high-spirited appearance on the stage more than ten years ago, dancing Wild Ballad and Sea Flower. His posture was beautiful and intoxicating. Every time he lifted his leg, the tips of his toes were straight. It was his pride that was stretched.
Back then, his little self looked up at his father's figure from below the stage. He did not even dare to blink, afraid that he would miss every exciting moment of his father's.
He was a dance addict. He was only alive when he danced. When he could dance, he was so good. He was so good that his endless love and affection could be used to nourish Fang Juexia. He let him feel the warmth of a father's love, let him appreciate the charm of the stage, and let him have the biggest fantasy of the stage.
Fang Juexia, who was only four or five years old, looked up at him in the training room and heard him say all kinds of heroic words.
[Daddy will definitely be the most eye-catching person on the stage in the future. When that time comes, you'll be able to see Daddy at a glance.]
This was the first person who taught him what dreams were.
Fang Juexia looked coldly at the man in front of him who had already gone crazy. He suddenly felt nauseous. He wanted to vomit but could not, so he could only drink water continuously. The ice-cold water flowed down his esophagus. His whole body was cold.
The sky turned white. The night gradually faded from black to dark blue, and finally disappeared. Fang Ping, who was tied up, seemed to have survived the onset of his addiction. He passed out. Fang Juexia stood by the window, quietly looking at the resurgent streets outside. A person walking on the road was as small as an ant.
Ants were easily trampled to death, so the dreams of ants were even more fragile.
His phone vibrated a few times. It was a message from Ling Yi, asking why he had not returned to the dormitory to sleep. Fang Juexia typed slowly. He did not know what he had replied.
Fang Ping's voice came from behind him again. His throat was already hoarse. He begged Fang Juexia to let him go. He seemed to be confessing sincerely. His voice was tearful.
"I was wrong, child. I really didn't want to hurt you. I just wanted to talk to you, but I couldn't control myself …
"It's true. Daddy feels so bad. I'm dying. Do you know that?
"Daddy knows that you're successful now. I know that you … you've succeeded. You can help Daddy, right?
"It's been so many years. Daddy misses you too."
Daddy.
What a distant word.
Fang Juexia's emotions were wrestling with his rationality. Emotionally, he hated and sympathized with him, but his rationality was still dissecting the truth in his words.
He did not want to hurt him, but in the end, he came looking for him with a steel rod.
He missed him so much. He had not come home for so many years, but when he became famous, he missed him.
Fang Juexia's back was facing him. He was still looking out the window. His back was as straight as a tree. Every word he said was objective and cold. He was more like an interrogator than a son. "When did you start following me? Does anyone else know that you're back? "
Fang Ping's voice was hoarse. He rushed to answer the second question. "No, really."
"Answer me. When did you start following me?" Fang Juexia repeated the interrogation coldly.
"Late April … I, I spent the last of my money to come to Beijing to see you. Daddy wanted to go back to Guangzhou, but I wanted to see you. Child, I …"
"What contraband did you take before you came?" Fang Juexia was relieved when he heard that he did not return to Guangzhou. He interrupted his emotional speech. "What do you plan to do to me? What do you want from me? "
Fang Ping panted. His voice sounded weak, like someone who was seriously ill. "I … I don't remember, Juexia …"
"You remember." Fang Juexia felt that his name was harsh when he heard him call him, so he exposed his lie. "Tell me. What do you plan to do to me?"
His voice was too cold.
"I just want to knock you out because I can't find a chance to talk to you alone. I just want to talk to you. I want you to help me, help your father!"
Fang Juexia laughed coldly.
"Stop lying. Do you know what you look like after you took drugs? Have you looked in the mirror? When I hit you with the rod, I don't even know if I can still stand in front of you. Help? How can a dead person help you? "
His scolding became faster and faster, shooting at him like a bullet.
"Did you contact my company and manager? What about other companies? Who else did you contact? Speak! "
Fang Ping's mouth was stuttering and trembling. He could not keep up with Fang Juexia's pace anymore.
His drug addiction was acting up again. When he was sober, it was like the final radiance of the setting sun. In a very short time, his body twitched, and his body, which had been struggling to get up, fell down. His nerves were bitten by maggots. He could say anything and scold anyone.
In this round, his mind was no longer as good as Fang Ping's past.
He remembered Fang Ping's rage at the hospital when he found out that he might be crippled. He remembered that he drank too much and insulted him like a defective product. He casually picked up a chair and smashed it on his back. His entire spine was bruised purple. In the summer, he wore a white shirt and school uniform of poor quality. It could be seen faintly.
It was as if his clothes were dirty.
Fang Ping started scolding him again. Fang Juexia could not tell if the person after his addiction was acting up was him, or if it was the real him when he was sober.
"Trash", "Loser", "No one will like a piece of trash like you"
"Trash", "Defect", "Unworthy of standing on the stage", "Why can you succeed"
These words were so familiar. Fang Juexia felt as if he had returned to his childhood. Every day, he was afraid that his father would come home reeking of alcohol. He dodged the beer bottle that could have hit his head at any time, but he could not avoid the ashtray that came flying at him. It hit his foot steadily, and his toe bled non-stop.
Therefore, he could not practice dancing. His foot hurt so much that he could not stand. When the teacher asked, he could only lie.
He said that it was his fault.
Why couldn't a person's experience be offset by a positive and a negative?
The beautiful childhood that he had, and the subsequent shattering and collapse, one good and one bad, one positive and one negative, added up to zero. It was as if he had never had anything. This was too ideal. In reality, he only felt double the pain of losing what he had gained.
After struggling with all his might, he calmed down again. He was like this repeatedly, crazy and unpredictable. When he woke up, he was met with hysterical curses and screams. When he passed out, he was left with a terrifying silence.
Fang Juexia was like a clean piano lid that was constantly stained with dust, dirt, and dirty fingerprints.
His waist hurt so much that he could not stand. He could only sit on the floor, hugging his knees, and look out the window quietly. Occasionally, the door would open, and the bodyguard who took orders from Pei Tingsong would bring him food and water, but Fang Juexia did not even have the strength to say thank you.
He did not dare to close his eyes. If he did, he would be able to see the original Fang Ping. The Fang Ping that shone brightly, the gentle and considerate Fang Ping. He was afraid that this person was him. He was afraid that his heart would soften.
The sky went from light to dark. The clouds turned gray. Thunder roared and lightning flashed. Suddenly, it started to rain heavily. The smell of soil wafted into his nostrils. He felt nauseous again. He stood up with the help of the wall and went to the bathroom. However, he only retched. He bent over and retched as if he wanted to vomit his organs out, but there was nothing.
In the mirror, his forehead was bruised and swollen. Scabs had formed on the broken skin. Fang Juexia was even glad that he did not have a job recently. Otherwise, how could he go on stage and face the camera? Fang Juexia felt terrified when this thought appeared in his mind. He had spent so many years affirming himself, telling himself that the birthmark on his face was not a defect. However, when this person appeared, those nightmares resurfaced.
The seeds of self-doubt that his father had buried in his bones were only temporarily dormant.
Fang Juexia did not look at the mirror anymore. He tried to use reason to expel those negative emotions, but his whole body was trembling slightly. He needed to do Sudoku. He needed to think. That way, he could calm his emotions. As long as he could do some questions and get his brain working, he should be able to recover.
Anxiety crept into his heart. Fang Juexia lost his way.
When he came out of the bathroom, he heard the door close. He looked up and saw a half-drenched person.
Was it an illusion?
Why did it look like Pei Tingsong?
Pei Tingsong looked at Fang Juexia. His heart suddenly throbbed in pain. He was as pale as a withered flower. He stubbornly maintained his original shape, but when touched, he would crumble. His eyes were extinguished. It was as if he could not see himself.
He quickly walked up and called out to Juexia. He wanted to hug him in his arms. However, when he was one step away, he saw Fang Juexia's lowered eyes. He paused. It was as if he was afraid that this hug would appear hasty and make Fang Juexia even more uneasy.
Therefore, Pei Tingsong became hesitant. He wanted to reach out but retracted his hand.
Fang Juexia slowly raised his hand and touched Pei Tingsong's chest. It was warm. There was a heartbeat.
"You're back." Only then did he confirm that it was not an illusion. Only then did he say this sentence. It was as if nothing had happened and he was just waiting for his lover to come home.
He even tried to say more words that he had prepared a long time ago. His voice was very calm. "… How are things over there? Has your mother given up? "
Pei Tingsong held his hand. Looking at the wound on his face, he was angry and sad. His heart was in a mess. He did not answer Fang Juexia's question. "I rushed back as soon as I received the news."
"He hit you, didn't he? I'm going to break his … "
Fang Juexia shook his head weakly. "I didn't succeed." He was afraid that Pei Tingsong would be worried, so he repeated himself. "I'm fine. I'm fine."
Pei Tingsong did not believe him, of course.
He had already heard from the bodyguard that Fang Juexia did not sleep the whole night. He had watched him go crazy the whole night. He did not even dare to imagine how Fang Juexia felt at that moment. He only wanted to coax him and take him away from this scumbag.
"Juexia, can you come back with me first?" His voice was very soft. He raised his hand to touch Fang Juexia's cheek. "Let's rest for a while and sleep. I'll get someone to take care of things here. Don't worry."
"Sleep?" Fang Juexia seemed to have only heard a few words. His eyes were confused. He shook his head. "I don't want to sleep here. It's too dirty."
"I know." Pei Tingsong rubbed his hand. "Let's go back. Go back to my place, okay?"
Fang Juexia nodded slightly.
Pei Tingsong had arranged for him to stay in the high-end condominium for the sake of interrogation. It was easy to go back now, but it was difficult to appease Fang Juexia.
Fang Juexia's head was dizzy and he felt very uncomfortable. The moment he entered the condominium, he walked unconsciously toward the empty living room. The smell after the rain rushed into his nostrils, congealing his breath and thoughts. It made him uncomfortable and made him unable to think rationally. Even the sound of Pei Tingsong's voice seemed to come through the pattering rain. It was very vague and weak.
He felt his hand being held by Pei Tingsong and he felt himself being led to the room. He was sensitive and slow.
He said that he wanted to take a bath. Pei Tingsong was worried, but he could not persuade him otherwise. He could only agree and fill the bathtub with hot water. Fang Juexia took off his shirt with his back facing Pei Tingsong. There was a bruise on his back.
Pei Tingsong clenched his fists.
The hot water saved his life and melted the ice on his body bit by bit. Fang Juexia leaned against the side of the bathtub and looked up at the ceiling, allowing Pei Tingsong to carefully clean the wound on his forehead. Fang Juexia did not say a word during the bath. He seemed to be thinking about something, but also seemed to be in a daze.
The only thing he said was to ask Pei Tingsong to go out. He wanted to take a bath himself.
Pei Tingsong could only go out and leave his change of clothes behind. He guarded the closed bathroom door with his heart hanging in the air.
He regretted returning to the United States at this time. He regretted not being by Fang Juexia's side when the incident happened. But he also knew that even if he was there, what could he do?
All he could do was watch Fang Juexia's nightmare replay with his own eyes.
This person was willing to be with him despite all difficulties. It was not easy for him to persuade him to give it a try. He persuaded him to walk out of the shadow created by his biological father and the distrust of love and into his arms.
Now, would he regret it?
The bathroom door opened. Fang Juexia walked out barefoot in Pei Tingsong's pajamas. He came to Pei Tingsong's side with wet and hot water vapor all over his body. He consciously lay down on the bed and did not let Pei Tingsong urge him again.
"Then you rest." Pei Tingsong tucked him in. He lowered his eyes and said in a low voice, "Call me if you need anything."
Just as he was about to turn around, Fang Juexia sat up and grabbed his hand. His eyes were red.
"You're back, but you haven't hugged me."
The moment he heard this sentence, Pei Tingsong suddenly realized that he was really a jerk. He kept saying that he liked him, but he had no confidence in him.
He was too worried about his gains and losses. He was so fragile that it seemed that if he heard Fang Juexia say no, he would collapse.
Pei Tingsong hugged Fang Juexia in his arms. His nose was sour, and he tried hard to hold back his tears. "I'm sorry."
Fang Juexia did not understand his apology, so he did not respond. He just raised his hand and hugged him back. His voice was gentle. "You didn't answer my question either. How are things over there?"
Pei Tingsong shook his head, stroked the back of his neck, and kissed the top of his head. "It's okay."
"That's good." Fang Juexia curled up in his arms and closed his eyes.
They were two injured animals, and when they bled, their body temperature would drop. So they had no choice but to hug each other and rely on each other's body temperature to survive.
Fang Juexia was used to managing his emotions all year round. He was used to using his rationality to suppress his emotions, so he could not be hysterical even when he was in pain. His bloody memories and emotions were always separated by a piece of frosted glass. They were not thorough and direct.
"Do you know, sometimes I feel that I'm quite dark too? When I found out that the person who followed and attacked me in the parking lot was him, guess what my first reaction was? "
Fang Juexia tried hard to keep his voice steady. "I wanted my mother to come over immediately and see with her own eyes what kind of person she had been waiting for all these years."
Pei Tingsong could hear the despair in his heart.
"I watched over him all night, listening to him go crazy, listening to him scold me and my mother. Every once in a while, I would have that kind of thought in my mind. I even wanted to record him like this and take a picture of the steel rod he was about to hit my head with. I wanted to send it all to my mother to wake her up and end her fantasy. "
His emotions eventually fermented in Pei Tingsong's arms and were gradually on the verge of exploding.
"Every time I wanted to do that, I would think of my mother sitting at the table and looking at the door. No matter how sad she was, her face was full of hope. It was like … "
It was like waiting for the spring of every year.
He did not know what she would do if he really told her that there would be no more spring in the future.
At the thought of this, Fang Juexia's tears finally fell. Big drops of tears rolled down from an iceberg like stones that could not bear the weight.
This was the first time that Pei Tingsong really saw Fang Juexia cry since he knew him. He was not crying for himself, but for his mother's love. A once happy story had finally become shackles and a lifetime probation.
But even if it was a probation, Fang Juexia still could not bear to shatter his mother's fantasy with his own hands.
A probation was better than an immediate execution.
Pei Tingsong stroked Fang Juexia's cheek and gently kissed away the tears on his face.
Fang Juexia looked at him. "Tell me? Let her continue to wait for a lover that no longer exists. Isn't it … not so cruel? "
"We won't tell her. We won't tell her." Pei Tingsong pressed his forehead against his. "I will send him to where he should go. I won't let him appear in front of you again. I won't let him hurt you again."
For the first time, he learned to love someone. For the first time, he had the desire to share his soul and body. For the first time, he learned to give up resistance. It was also the first time he tasted the feeling of heartache for someone else.
But he would rather not have such an experience. He wanted Fang Juexia to get better.
"He wasn't like this in the past. There were times when he protected me."
Fang Juexia's body trembled in his arms. "He used to be like this too. He would carry me and take me to the training room. I watched him practice his basic skills and watch him dance. My mother said that when I was a few months old, I cried a lot. Every day, someone had to hug me to sleep. So he didn't sleep at night. He held me in his arms and hummed to me the songs he danced. He also said that I was the most beautiful child in the world. He would watch over me all night when I had a fever. On the cruise ship in the Pearl River, he let me sit on his shoulder and enjoy the river breeze. "
These were not fake. He did have fatherly love.
"Before he fell, before I found out about his night blindness, he said …"
He took a deep breath. "He said that my mother and I were the people he loved the most. He said that I was his pride."
"But in fact, compared to his own pride, I'm nothing, right?"
Pei Tingsong stroked his hair. "No, Fang Juexia. You are the best and most precious person in the world."
"You have to remember that failure, alcohol, and drugs have corrupted him long ago. He is no longer a normal person. No matter what malicious words he said, they are all wrong. Don't listen to them."
That was right. Fang Juexia repeated Pei Tingsong's words in his heart.
He was not a normal person. What he said about missing him was a lie.
After so many years of reuniting, his father had only given him bruises and wounds.
He lay down in Pei Tingsong's arms, feeling his hands caressing his hair and back.
Pei Tingsong could feel the tug in Fang Juexia's heart. It was mysterious, but he could feel it. He could not make a decision for so many years. That was why he was tormented now. Every time he saw his father again and was scolded by him, Fang Juexia would suffer.
"Do you still feel the tug in your heart? The father you met when you were young, and the man you met now. "
Fang Juexia could not deny it.
He kept convincing himself, just like how he had convinced his mother, that the man in front of him was no longer the man he used to be. Letting him live and die on his own was the best choice. His heart still hurt, though, especially when he dreamed of the past. He dreamed of being held in his father's arms and seeing the stage for the first time.
Every time he woke up, his face was covered in tears.
Pei Tingsong understood his silence. "Everyone in this world is changing every moment, because of various reasons, under various circumstances. Even if we accept these changes, it is often difficult to determine whether a person is still the same person he used to be. "
At this point, he touched Fang Juexia's cheek and asked softly, "Have you heard the story of the Ship of Texetus?"
Fang Juexia shook his head, holding back his emotions. "Is it another philosophical paradox?"
"You guessed it." Pei Tingsong held his hand. "This is a very old thought experiment. Suppose there is a ship that can continue to sail as long as people continue to repair and replace its parts. Every time a piece of the deck decays or a piece of the canvas is damaged, a new one will be replaced. After hundreds of years, the Ship of Texetus no longer has any of its original parts. Is it still the same as before? "
Fang Juexia thought about it, and the two answers argued in his mind. The ship had been constantly replaced and updated, and it no longer had any parts from the past. It had lost everything about the ship of the past.
However, it was gradually lost, and it was not directly replaced with a new ship. It was still called Texetus, and it was still sailing on the surface of the sea.
After thinking seriously, Fang Juexia opened his mouth and tried to give his answer. "This question depends on how we define this ship, right?"
Pei Tingsong nodded and leaned closer, the tip of his nose touching the tip of his nose. "Juexia, do you remember? You've actually already defined it. "
"You said that a person's essence is the self that he strives to preserve."
Fang Juexia nodded, tears welling up in his eyes. This was a realization he had come to after a painful struggle.
He had long since lost the self that he strived to preserve.
He tried his best to tell Pei Tingsong his answer. "So … he's no longer the person he used to be."
He was no longer the father who had loved him wholeheartedly.
Pei Tingsong knew this pain because he had experienced it before. It was hard to admit that his parents did not love him, but delusions would only hurt him.
"Let the ship of the past remain in your heart. It has no physical form. It will exist forever and never change."
The tears that he had been holding back fell once again. Yes, no matter what, he had to admit that his father had long disappeared. He had disappeared from the moment he fell from the stage and could no longer stand up.
That fall had shattered his self that he could not preserve.
It was hard to admit that he was no longer loved. He had been avoiding it for so many years, unwilling to face it. The father who had loved him in the past and the lunatic he was now overlapped into a dark shadow. It made him, who was already trembling in fear, even more afraid of walking in the dark.
He was afraid that he would lose control, afraid that he would be swallowed by the dark shadow. That was why he had to do everything he could to maintain a clear mind at all times. This fear made him refuse to be loved again. He refused to love his lover.
Because he did not want to create more nightmares for himself.
Pei Tingsong's face was inches away. They rubbed against each other. Fang Juexia finally walked out of his paranoid "lucidity" and truly woke up.
He admitted that he was wrong.
When he was surrounded by evil intentions, he subconsciously thought that what he needed was a Sudoku book, a logical deduction that would violently divert his attention and emotions. Only now did he realize how crude such emotional restraint was.
Pei Tingsong's open embrace tore away his mask of strength.
He just needed love.
Fang Juexia did not expect that Pei Tingsong could so easily unravel the cocoon of pain that he had created over the years. Just now, he had almost pushed Pei Tingsong away subconsciously. He thought that he could digest this disaster.
He suddenly remembered Pei Tingsong's disappointed gaze when he had just returned to bed. He seemed to want to leave him alone for a while.
Fang Juexia changed his perspective. Perhaps Pei Tingsong was afraid that he would regret throwing himself into a relationship after witnessing his dismal appearance.
If it had been him in the past, he might have done so. Because he was too afraid.
"Tingsong," Fang Juexia said softly, calling his name. "Thank you."
Pei Tingsong smiled. He felt that his symptoms of heartache had eased a lot. He should be the one thanking Fang Juexia. He was the one who had saved him.
"I know that there are many, many failures in the world." Fang Juexia raised his hand and placed it gently on Pei Tingsong's cheek. The rain outside the window seemed to have lessened. His voice softened.
"But I've never doubted the inevitability of true love." Fang Juexia's gaze was resolute. He even raised his eyebrows. It was as if he was saying, "Look, Fang Juexia is talking about inevitability again."
Pei Tingsong's heart did indeed convulse for a moment when he heard the word "inevitability".
"Besides, I'm changing too. I'm trying to calculate the probability of success now. Really." Fang Juexia knew that his mind was a little confused, but he hoped that Pei Tingsong could understand his heart. "So don't be afraid that I'll give up. I'm not a coward."
"Yes, I know you're brave." Pei Tingsong kissed the tip of his nose gently. "I'm the one who's starting to worry. I've changed."
In the past, Pei Tingsong was confident in everything he faced. It was as if there was no place in the world that he could not go and do anything that he could not do. He could easily step into any forest and live any life he wanted. He was free and fearless.
Until he fell in love with Fang Juexia.
His hostility was enveloped by Fang Juexia's gentleness. He finally understood what it felt like to be afraid of losing something. Now, he could no longer just take a gamble on the possibility of success. He began to think about the consequences of failure.
Pei Tingsong was really afraid that Fang Juexia would tell him one day that he had chosen the wrong point. He was still an irrational number.
Fang Juexia had just cried, but when he looked at Pei Tingsong's disappointed face, he could not help but smile. It was the first smile he had shown since they met.
"We're becoming more and more alike. It's so strange."
Looking at him was like looking at himself. The symbiotic opposition and unity in the mirror.
Pei Tingsong hugged him tightly and kissed the side of his neck.
"It's not strange. We're two ships of Theseus sailing on the sea. We met by accident and were afraid of separation. So you gave me your parts, and I gave you mine. We're no longer who we used to be.
"We've become each other."
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