Kavan had been busy for almost a month.
During this month, I had been thinking about updating, but my mood wasn't right. A few days before my birthday, I swore that from today onwards, I would definitely write, save up some manuscripts, and publish five chapters on my birthday.
Then, I thought, I will publish four chapters.
Three chapters …
Yesterday, I wrote half a chapter, but after thinking about it, I overthrew it. Today, I thought to myself, alright, I might not even have a chapter. Luckily, I still wrote it. It was almost 9,000 words. I wanted to write more, but it was nearing midnight, and the best mood had been lost. It was only suitable for recording some things, and not suitable for plot.
What I can tell everyone is that there are some problems in life. It's not a big deal, just a small bump. In the past month, my mood was chaotic, and I had two serious arguments with my wife. Although it should be benign, it still affected my writing. To me, this was really a new reason to stop updating, but it was the truth. Anyway, there was nothing to explain for me to stop updating, right?
I married my wife on the 16th of December 2015, and it has been a year and a half since then. Our acquaintance was very normal, but also a little strange. She went to my uncle's shop to buy kitchen utensils, and the customer bargained with the boss. My uncle said that you're not married yet, and he wanted to introduce you to someone. He called me to the shop, saying that the person had arrived. At that time, I was dizzy from writing, but the phone call came, and I had to politely go. I went with my mother, and met her and her mother. We talked for a while, and she only said a few words to me.
Tsk, she was very beautiful, expressionless, an elite woman, I couldn't get her.
That was probably my first impression, but we had already met, and added each other on WeChat. Out of politeness, I asked her to watch a movie, and after the movie, she was the one who asked me to eat. After the meal, she took the initiative to pay. Later on, we talked about it, and she felt that people who write are very poor, and it should be like this.
She worked at the TV station, and she was right in front of my house. After a while, we hooked up. She was very busy. Not only did she have to work overtime at the TV station, but she also had to work overtime outside of the TV station. Speaking of which, what really made me feel good about her was the fact that she kept working overtime. Later on, I found out that she had bought a house in the best residential area in this area. The houses in our area were very cheap. At that time, it was around three thousand renminbi per square meter. She wanted to buy a house for her parents. She only had twenty thousand renminbi in her pocket.
After that, she had to work overtime. In the television station, she worked overtime on special effects. Outside the television station, she had to take on jobs. She had to film for others, organize events for others, pay the down payment, hand over the house, and start renovations. Every month, she had to spend money on it and pay off the credit card for the previous month. She had actually managed to do it. It was unbelievable.
I remember that time when she was taking the civil servant exam. She called me and said, "I'm going to the Party School for training today. Do you want to come?" I replied, "Sure, I'm going to cultivate my moral integrity." That was the date.
During that time, I always remembered the time when I bought a house when I was twenty-five years old. I had saved up enough for the down payment, but an uncle gave me tens of thousands of renminbi. Later on, he refused to pay me back. When it was time to pay, the government increased the down payment from twenty percent to thirty percent. Every day, I would write in my room. When I woke up, I would lose my hair. At that time, I was writing 'Alienation'. It was especially difficult. On one hand, I wanted to write more, but on the other hand, I wanted to make sure there was quality. I cried a few times.
I thought I had found a treasure.
Our original intentions for getting together — sincerely — I wanted to help her share these things. She had a strong personality and did not know how to please the leaders. She worked overtime all day at the TV station. I often delivered meals. Ever since the change of leadership in the second half of 2015, life became even harder. One afternoon, there was a leader who came for an inspection. The chief editor of the TV station, Old Huang, requested the technical department to stay in the office at noon. He did not even allow us to eat. At around one o 'clock, I delivered the food. A person who looked like a leader came over and saw me. He asked, "Ah, you haven't eaten yet?" Later on, I found out that he was the chief editor who had ordered us not to eat.
Another night, when it was time to get off work, the station head and chief editor stayed in the technical department to edit. The station head would go eat first, and then the chief editor would go eat for him. The technical staff were not allowed to eat.
I had seen leaders who asked people to work overtime, but leaders who worked overtime and did not allow people to eat were really strange.
I had always wanted her to resign. It was fine even if I said I would support her, but she was unwilling. After she got married, she considered having children. The TV station was lacking people, so she was asked to guard the computer room. It was said that there was radiation. Finally, she was willing to resign. Thank God.
Less than a month after she resigned, she went to work in the library. She said that the library was easy.
However, the library was a place where the wives of officials retired.
Hence, she became a technical staff again. She worked in the library for a month, helped someone write two articles, and won two strange awards. One of them was under her name. A group of old staff who had worked in the library for many years asked her to make up for a few years' year-end summary. Because she did not have any background, she was always criticized.
What a strange ecological environment.
There were still many things to do, but in short, she finally decided to leave this year. The library was downgraded from level 1 to level 3, and this year, even level 3 had to be maintained. The director asked her to "shoulder the work", and there was an old accountant in the library who criticized her. He criticized her while looking for her to do things. Imagine an accountant who had not done the accounts for a few years, and when the task force moved into the cultural department, he asked a new staff who had been in the library for half a year to help him fill in the accounts?
After leaving the library, she went to sell flowers. Her classmate opened a wholesale department in Changsha, and she saw another business opportunity. During this period, we went on a trip to Guangzhou. For seven days, she was on her period, and she ran around to buy things. I booked the best hotel for her to rest, but she could not rest. After visiting Guangzhou, she had to go back to sell flowers. Hence, we quarreled.
I was also very tired.
For a year and a half, or even longer, I had only one goal, and that was to lighten her burden. We did not lack money. Although my income from writing books was not comparable to that of famous gods, it was enough for us to live a comfortable life. I could even carry a computer and travel at any time. Most importantly, I did not have many business partners, and there were no people I had to socialize with, or dinner parties I had to participate in. These were really the best days. I hoped that she understood that we did not lack anything. We did not have so many burdens. We could buy what we wanted, and go where we wanted to go. For a year and a half, I did not go out by myself. In the past, I would probably travel a few times a year. I even canceled the annual conference.
But her heart could not calm down.
Maybe I did not do enough, or maybe I did not do it right. I also hoped that it could be like in novels and on television, silently waiting for the day when she could suddenly let go and not feel so pressured. At least, it was not yet.
Hence, we quarreled a few times.
For a long time, she also had psychological problems. She was not mature in controlling her emotions. She often sulked because of other people's problems, and then she could not eat. She was 1.68 meters tall and weighed eighty kilograms. She was almost skinny. After selling flowers, her mother, my mother-in-law, always said that it was meaningless for her to sell flowers. She even wanted her to go back to work in the civil service system.
My mother-in-law was also a strange person. She had a really good heart, but she was still a child. She jumped up and down for this and that, hoping that everyone would do things at her pace. The first New Year's Eve after we got married, we spent it in my mother-in-law's house. The house that my wife had gritted her teeth and renovated. The furniture had not been bought yet, and the living room was cold. There was no air conditioning. My father-in-law hid under the blanket and watched TV. My mother-in-law said that she was tired and went up and down, "What do you want to eat? Do you want to eat dumplings? I will make it."
When my wife was at work, she had to go to the place of work every day. She would criticize everything. She liked civil servants, so she despised opening a flower shop. My wife was often unhappy because of what she said. Sometimes, my mother-in-law would even call to give instructions on the three daily meals. She would ask if she had made lunch, if she had eaten lunch … Yesterday, she could not eat, so we quarreled again. My mood would not be disturbed by anyone else. After we got married, there was one more person. After returning from Guangzhou, I was stuck for a month. My mood was also very bad, and I was full of frustration. My mood was not good when I wrote, and I had a headache because of anxiety. I said, it has been a year and a half, and I have done what I should do. If your emotions continue to be affected, and in the end, it will affect your body. What should I do? Were they going to give up on their lives?
We have to let go of what should be let go.
Today, she quarreled with the Empress Dowager and ran back crying. The Empress Dowager was worried about her and called me. I told the Empress Dowager, "How can a thirty-year-old call for food all day long? We can do many things ourselves." After saying that, I was afraid that she would die of anger, so I sent a message to my father-in-law to ask if she had died of anger …
She is really a good person, a kind person that is hard to find in society.
Actually, in real life, there are many mothers-in-law who are difficult to get along with. Many times, when I think about it, my mother-in-law is really … not difficult to get along with. She cares for us sincerely, and she hopes that we can live the life of a sixty-year-old old cadre … Of course, it would be best if we were civil servants.
Sometimes, I think that my wife lacks a sense of achievement in the process of life.
She is actually very talented, and she can quickly learn everything. She can have her own understanding of art, design, photography, and flower arrangement. However, she is not good at bootlicking, and she is not good at emotional management. Ever since she entered society, she has always received less than her ability. When she first graduated from school, she worked as a game designer, and even had her own studio. When she was in her early twenties, she could earn a monthly salary of thirty thousand. After that, she returned to Wang City, hoping to be by her mother's side to take care of her. Her mother rushed her into the bureaucratic system, and she did not feel any sense of achievement.
Sometimes, I see her doing this and that clumsily and anxiously, trying to find a way out. For a period of time, she even wanted to do a live broadcast. Her Weibo is filled with fans of my books. She started a live broadcast about flower arrangement and cheating on exams. There were a total of two times, and I only showed my face for a while before leaving. I think she hoped that her success would be her own success. There was a period of time when she wanted to make clothing, and she desperately tried to contact the manufacturers in Guangzhou. Then, seeing the increase in her fans on Weibo, she said to me excitedly, "Now, they are all your fans. I will open my online store and start to wash away the fans." I said, "You should spend some money to start it first. I will pay for the first store, and it will be good to accumulate experience."
However, she could not bear to.
She likes to watch the live broadcasts of an internet celebrity. That celebrity always broadcasts about her life, and she is a woman. I do not like it when I hear it. She said that she is watching people's lives, and I said, "Life is fake, and it is a lie."
Those clumsy live broadcasts of her arranging flowers in front of a group of book fans, and then seeing the number of people dwindle, are real.
That kind of clumsiness is so cute.
We can say ten thousand things about life, and write it in a book, and it will be convincing.
Compared to reality, I think we are all struggling awkwardly in our own mire.
I hope that my wife can find peace in her heart.
I hope that my mother-in-law can understand that everyone has their own life.
Although it is more likely that today's quarrel will become tomorrow's dog blood. It is nothing more than life. I think, I am still very lucky.
I originally did not intend to write this year's essay, because there are probably very few people who will write about these trivial matters of life on a public platform, especially if it is real life. But after thinking about it, it is quite good, and there is nothing to hide. After all these years, most of the friends in my life that I can talk to are far away — — In fact, I have basically lost the desire to talk to the people around me. I am still used to writing it on paper, on the computer, and whoever can see it is my friend. Aren't we all experiencing life?
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