(This chapter is in the second update. Children who click on the latest update may miss the previous chapter.)
He subconsciously finished writing, but when he came back to his senses and looked back, he was stung by what he had written. What was this? Why did he write this?
Pei Tingsong seemed to have crossed out the last sentence. He crossed it many times, then tore off the page, crumpled it into a ball, and threw it to the corner of the table.
Through his earphones, he could hear the sound of things breaking outside the window. He stood up and poked his head out to take a look. There was a figure on the balcony next door. Afraid that Fang Juexia had bumped into something again, Pei Tingsong put down the things and went over. This time, he knocked twice on the door.
"What are you doing? Why are you making such a big noise?" He deliberately complained. "You're so noisy."
When he walked over and saw Fang Juexia cleaning up the broken pieces on the ground, Pei Tingsong was shocked again. He quickly pulled him away. "Hey, don't use your hands."
"It's okay. The edges of this flower pot are not very sharp." Fang Juexia threw the last piece of pottery into the trash can. Pei Tingsong then realized that he had broken a pot of cactus.
"What are you doing?" He squatted down and pointed at the cactus on the ground. "I'm taking revenge."
"You have a rich imagination." Fang Juexia swept the soil on the ground together and moved it to the spare flower pot, but he did not know where to start with the cactus. So he began to instruct Pei Tingsong. "Pick this up."
"Why me?"
"Same kind of blind date." Fang Juexia poked a hole in the soil. "Put it here."
Pei Tingsong pinched the top thorn with two fingers. The cactus trembled and fell into the trap that Fang Juexia had dug.
"You've been playing with these plants just now." Pei Tingsong glanced a few times and accidentally saw the Sudoku book that he had placed on the couch. But strangely, there were no numbers on it. Instead, there seemed to be a line of words.
"Yes. What about you? "Fang Juexia blocked his view and pressed the soil firmly with both hands." What were you doing just now? "
"Me?" Pei Tingsong did not expect the topic to return to him. He hesitated for a moment. Fang Juexia did not intend to wait for him to give an answer. He stood up and closed the Sudoku book. Suddenly, he heard Pei Tingsong say from behind him, "I want to fill in the lyrics for your demo."
Fang Juexia turned his head in confusion and saw Pei Tingsong sitting cross-legged on the ground. "But I've never been in love before. I don't know how to write the lyrics of a love song."
This was the first time he had heard from Pei Tingsong that he had never been in love before. It was quite impactful. Fang Juexia sat back on the couch and was silent for a while. "That song might not be a love song."
Pei Tingsong raised his head and looked at him. Fang Juexia hugged the Sudoku book and said quietly, "After all, according to what you said, I shouldn't be able to write a love song."
What he meant was … he had never been in love before? Pei Tingsong could not believe it. Fang Juexia's appearance was very popular when he was a student. He had a gentle personality, except for when he was overly cold towards him.
Pei Tingsong could not help but doubt. "Really … I don't believe that there are no girls in your school who pursue you."
"There are some. But I don't have the time at all. " Fang Juexia's expression was very honest. He leaned back and said, "I started learning to dance very early. Every day was very tiring. I had to study hard and immediately rush to the dance studio after school. Later, as you know, my dream of becoming a dancer fell through. Who knew that I would be discovered by a talent scout on the way to school and become a trainee. At that time, I was also studying and practicing at the same time. Every day was very tiring and I did not get enough sleep. How could I have the energy to fall in love at such a young age? "
"So you want to fall in love but don't have the time?" Pei Tingsong sorted out his thoughts and still felt that something was wrong. "If you really met someone you liked, you would have squeezed out the time."
"I don't want to."
Fang Juexia's answer came out of nowhere. It was very short and firm. Pei Tingsong was accidentally stung by a soft thorn of a cactus and it sank into his flesh.
He hesitated for a moment and asked, "Why?"
A pinkish-orange cloud floated in the sky. Fang Juexia stared at it motionlessly. "Because …"
He hesitated. He did not know how to tell Pei Tingsong, or if he should tell him. Fang Juexia hated the feeling of self-analysis. Every time he opened up, he risked an emotional breakdown.
It was really scary to lose control. He was afraid that he would become the kind of person who would lose control.
Pei Tingsong sensed something and wanted to change the topic. "Actually, I don't want to either." He added, "At least I didn't want to in the past. I read a psychology paper once. There was a sentence in it — a child's emotional enlightenment is a reflection of his parents' feelings. As for me, I haven't seen my parents since I was young. When I grew up, I realized that they didn't get married because they loved each other. "
Hearing this, Fang Juexia turned around and looked at Pei Tingsong in a curled up position. "Then why did they get married?"
"It's quite ironic. My mother's ancestors were the first generation of Chinese immigrants from overseas. They were rich in China before. After they immigrated, they did business in the United States for many years. Their family was huge and could be considered old money. My grandfather was the youngest and only son of his generation, but he really had no business sense and no interest. When he was young, his business always failed. Several companies closed down. "
Several companies. Fang Juexia thought that he was indeed rich and could afford to waste time.
"I think so too. Your grandfather …" He paused halfway through his sentence. He wanted to say that his grandfather looked gentle, but he had accidentally seen that photo.
"What about my grandfather?"
Fang Juexia leaned on the sofa and shook his head. "I feel the same as you."
"He's much better than me. He's very talented in literature. His business failed, but the books he wrote were very good. He used an alias to publish novels and poetry collections. Later on, he lost interest in business and only wanted to live his romantic life. " Pei Tingsong took a deep breath. "He only had my mother as a child, so he spoiled her like a princess. Other than a pretty face, she had nothing else. The elders of the family felt that their business building couldn't just collapse like that, so they chose an upstart to marry her. "
"My grandfather told me that he was very opposed to it at the time. Two people who don't love each other will be very painful together. It turned out that he was right. Before I was born, they lived together reluctantly. After I was born, my mother traveled all over the world to enjoy life. She lived a life of luxury that she liked. My father was busy earning money. He earned so much money that he couldn't spend it all in his next life. "
Fang Juexia found it hard to imagine what it felt like to grow up in such a family.
"Then you didn't see your parents when you were young. Didn't you miss them?"
Pei Tingsong smiled. "I've already forgotten what it feels like to miss my parents." He continued, "I couldn't stay at home alone, so my grandfather came to stay with me."
"Later on, I fell in love with hip-hop. I felt that it was the best medium to express my emotions in the world. So I didn't want to waste my time in relationships that didn't end well. I wanted to find an outlet to express myself. "
Fang Juexia finally understood why Pei Tingsong was so contradictory. He was placed in an unsuitable mold like his grandfather, but his choice was to fiercely resist. He resisted his parents who had never been with him as he grew up, resisted this golden cage, and pursued what he really liked, regardless of the cost. He suddenly wanted to hug him. He knew that his sympathy was overflowing, and he might be despised by Pei Tingsong. So he just sat up and didn't dare to go forward.
He knew why Pei Tingsong didn't believe in love. How could a person believe in something that they had never seen before?
Pei Tingsong waved his hand and said in a relaxed tone, "In fact, many famous philosophers never married. Plato, Descartes, Spinoza, Kant, Schopenhauer, Sartre … There are countless of them." He seemed to have thought of a very good argument. "Do you know the poet Lermontov? He once said that love and happiness made me lose my sense of purpose. "
This was a very novel and realistic statement.
Fang Juexia thought about what he said over and over again in his heart. It seemed that his memories didn't matter anymore. Even though Pei Tingsong didn't ask, he still chose to dissect himself. He didn't want to be a person who only listened to stories.
"Have I … never mentioned my father before?"
Pei Tingsong didn't expect him to say that. He had long noticed that the word "father" was like an obstacle to Fang Juexia. Every time he said it, he would habitually avoid it.
"Yes."
Fang Juexia hugged his knees. "He used to be a very talented dancer. My mother loved him very much. They loved each other very much. Like I said last time, they threw caution to the wind and got together."
This statement was like a love story in fairy tales and poems. But Pei Tingsong had already seen the ending.
"Later, I was born. Our family was very happy. Now that I think about it, I feel that using the word 'happy' to describe my childhood is not an exaggeration at all. I used to be a child who grew up in love. " Fang Juexia's eyes drifted to the last bit of daylight in the distance. His Adam's apple bobbed. "As I said, I was diagnosed with night blindness and failed the audition. This is actually not a big blow to a family. But my father, he received a very good opportunity, an opportunity that could change his life. "
Fang Juexia looked at him. "A very famous dance drama invited him to be the lead actor. He practiced for four months for this drama. Every day, I looked forward to the day of the first performance. I counted the days until I went to school, just for that day. I remember very, very clearly. At that time, I was lying on the table drawing the last cross on the calendar. The phone rang. My mother didn't answer much before she slid down the wall and sat on the ground. "
He tried to describe it to Pei Tingsong. He gestured with his hands. "At the end of the dance drama, there was a falling action. The actor had to lean back and fall into a net. My father had the last rehearsal before the show. Everything was perfect. In the end, he ran up the stage and fell down, but the net was not fixed properly. " Fang Juexia's tone was still calm. He spoke in a flat and straightforward manner, as if he was describing something unrelated to himself. "He fell from a few meters high and broke his leg."
Pei Tingsong looked at Fang Juexia, trying to find a trace of sadness on his face to comfort him. But he was too calm. He didn't even frown.
"Not only did he miss the best opportunity and highlight of his career, but he also couldn't continue to dance. That leg left a huge problem, and it could be considered as ruining his career. "
"What happened after that? Did he change his career? "
Fang Juexia pulled at his sleeves. He felt a little cold. "After that … After that, he drank and smoked every day. He smoked very fiercely at home. My mother said it was not good for the child, but he didn't care. They quarreled every day, most of the time because of me. Once, when he was drunk, he even told me that I would be a useless person like him in the future. He was teased by God, and I was born without the right to dance on the stage. "
Fang Juexia's voice finally trembled. He sniffled. "I was afraid of seeing him, and I was also afraid of seeing alcohol at home. Once, he quarreled with my mother and couldn't help but hit her. When he woke up, he hugged her and cried. It was very contradictory, right? People can become like this. "He looked at Pei Tingsong, smiled, and shook his head.
"My mother still loved him very much. She hoped that he could cheer up. But it was no use. He tried again and again, and failed again and again. Later, he even got into contraband. One day, when I came home from school, I found that all the valuable appliances in the house were gone. I thought it was a thief, so I checked to see what else was missing. " Fang Juexia poked the tip of his slipper with his index finger and buried his head. "I saw that all his clothes were gone from the wardrobe. He never came back. "
"Love is really fragile, and it has a short shelf life. Sometimes, you can't even wait for it to change. A straw can crush it. " Fang Juexia was as calm as an outsider. "My mother is still waiting for him. She doesn't want to move, so she stays in that small house in Guangzhou. When she's free, she can look at the door for the whole day. Just for a few short years of happiness, she exchanged it for a lifetime of pain. "
Pei Tingsong got up and walked over to squat in front of Fang Juexia. He reached out and rubbed the top of his head.
"My story is very ordinary, right? It's not as grand as you expected."
The beginning of a love story was very beautiful. It was ignited at a touch, and the collision of soul and flesh made people want to spend a lifetime in a second and end their lives with a kiss. But the final chapter of a tragedy was different. It was grand and had a sense of ceremony. The most terrible thing was to have a dull ending.
Pei Tingsong understood why Fang Juexia had been closing himself off and why he managed his emotions like a machine. It was because he felt that he had no choice.
For so many years, not only did he fumble in the dark, but he also treated his father, who had left, as a mirror for himself. A mirror that could only reflect failure. He hid it in his heart, and from time to time, he would take it out and look at it to restrain himself.
Pei Tingsong gently touched his head and said in a low and gentle voice, "So, this is why you don't believe in love. It's because you're living in a case of failure."
In hindsight, Fang Juexia felt scared. He had actually opened up the deepest part of himself to Pei Tingsong and exposed his fragile life gate. He seemed to be saying it to Pei Tingsong, but it also seemed like he was saying it to himself.
Don't fall into a relationship casually.
Fang Juexia poked his finger on the ground and lowered his head. He drew a horizontal line and said to himself and to him, "You can give many examples of rational numbers, but it's impossible to list all of them, right?"
Pei Tingsong nodded. "Yes."
"But you know what? Give me a number axis and you pick a point at random. The probability of the chosen point being a rational number is zero. "
Fang Juexia raised his head. His cold eyes reflected the completely dark sky.
"This is the so-called true love."
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