Every morning, He Fang would let Li He touch her belly and say happily, "Feel it. Is it bulging a little?"
"A little." Li He had just touched it when he retracted his hand.
Seeing her belly bulging a little every day, Li He's heart was as cold as iron. Thinking about how he was the only one left of his lively family, he felt so bitter that he couldn't even sigh.
He Fang asked, "Do you want a boy or a girl?"
"A girl."
"What if it's a boy?"
"Then you'll have to raise it yourself."
"You're asking for it." He Fang laughed as she punched him. He didn't dodge. She could tell that he was unhappy. "Who made you angry again?"
Li He shook his head. "Nothing. I'm just thinking about how much you've changed. "
"Isn't it? Think about it. When you first entered school, even though you were calm, you were very talkative and much more stubborn than you are now. You even dared to go against the Americans. Now that I think about it, I'm scared. You were so impulsive. "
"Really?" Li He didn't listen to He Fang's words and didn't realize how much he had changed. But thinking about it seriously, it seemed that he had really changed. When he had just been reborn, his body was probably oversecreting hormones and he couldn't suppress his emotions no matter what, so he was a little energetic.
He was always a little impulsive, a little hot-tempered, and even a little ambitious.
But now?
Why did his ambition and initiative stop midway?
How should he calculate his age now? He was at a loss again.
During the Qingming Festival, it was raining. The spring rain was dense and thick, and even the wind couldn't blow it away.
Ever since he split the chores, he would open the door early and go out to buy breakfast. The water had accumulated to the doorsill. He even specially turned back to tell He Fang, "Be careful when you walk, the road is slippery."
After He Fang agreed, he put on his raincoat and went out. He went to buy breakfast first before driving to the post office to return the documents that Yu Dehua had sent over.
At the department store next to the post office, he bought two sets of paper money and a bottle of wine. Today, he was going to visit Elder Yu's grave. Every year during the Qingming Festival, as long as he had the time, he would help burn two sets of paper money. Him coming to burn joss paper has nothing to do with Yu Dehua, it's just that he has a good relationship with Old Man Yu, so it's reasonable for him to burn joss paper money.
He drove to the suburbs. There were still no roads there, so he could only park his car by the roadside. He wore rubber shoes and walked on the muddy road for half an hour to reach the cemetery.
Old Man Yu's grave mound was easy to find. The tombstone that was over a meter tall was a little out of place. The other tombstones were just protruding mounds of soil, there wasn't even a tombstone. Some of them were not worshipped and had even been washed away by the rain.
Because of the drizzle, the flame was very small, and the paper money couldn't burn through. Li He poured some of the diesel that he had prepared earlier on on the paper money, and only then did the flame rise.
He also picked up some damp branches and put them in the fire. When the fire was bigger, he put a thicker stick on top of it.
Now that the fire circle was bigger, it was not afraid of the drizzle. Instead, the flames became fiercer, and the wood inside crackled.
"Old Man Yu. Erguotou, strong enough. " The Erguotou was opened, and he poured a cup into the fire, and the flames rose even higher. "I'll drink a cup myself too."
But this time, he didn't drink it himself, but still poured a cup into the fire.
He didn't bring his body over, so he could be considered dead. It was probably rotting, and he would drink a cup of wine for his dead self.
His son and daughter would also worship him like this, right?
He stared at the fire blankly, as though he was talking to himself, but also to the fire. "Old Man Yu, you're happier than me. When you're dead, you'll have peace. When I'm dead, I won't have peace. "
"You're comfortable, you'll have your worries in this life. But what about me, I have no other choice. What do you think I should do, I can't be father and son with my children anymore. I want to, but I can't even be husband and wife anymore. "
At this stage, he thought that he had thought things through, but when he thought about it, he still felt a wave of pain. He couldn't think about it, and he didn't dare to think about it.
Even He Fang sensed his strangeness, and He Fang was unhappy for him. But he didn't want He Fang to be unhappy either.
As He Fang's belly grew bigger, he became more and more conflicted.
"I'm suffering in my heart, but who can I tell? I don't dare to tell anyone!" Only in such an empty wasteland, did he dare to shout so loudly. "Living too clear-headed, living too clearly, it's really suffering. I'd rather be a fool. "
A whirlwind blew over, and the flames almost touched him. He hurriedly retreated, but tripped and fell on his butt in the mud, both his hands supporting him. The wine spilled, and he hurriedly helped the bottle up.
He didn't rush to get up, but just poured a glass of wine, ignoring the mud on the glass, and drank it in one gulp. It burned and choked, and he couldn't help but grimace. Actually, it was more the mud in his mouth that made him uncomfortable. He spat out a few mouthfuls of saliva, and then wiped his mouth with the clean area on his shoulder.
"Help me think, if I want to let them go now, is that considered cruel?" He stood up, pressed both hands on the weeds, and rubbed them with all his might. Only then did the mud disappear. Then, he added a few big logs into the fire, and continued, "That's what I'm thinking, see if it's right. I'm almost 60 years old, and there will come a day when I have to leave them. Now, it's just a matter of time before I leave. It's just that they'll be sad in advance, and then I'll have to spend more paper money every year. They're old, but they're good children. They can take care of themselves, and I can rest assured. Now that He Fang is pregnant, they might have a younger sister, and of course, it could also be a younger brother. "
"Sometimes, I also feel that I'm dreaming right now. But, I pinch myself hard, it hurts so much. It's been almost ten years, I can't have been dreaming for ten years, can I? So, this life of mine is real, and I've been living for real. I have to live, I have to live. My father is here, my mother is here, and my brothers and sisters are all here. Sigh, now I have a new wife. My new wife is pregnant. I've delayed her for ten years, and I have to make it up to her. I can't owe her anything. They're all living for real. "
He sighed again, poured another glass of wine, and drank it. "Grandpa and grandma love their eldest grandson, and parents love their old roots. This saying is right, right? Now that He Fang has a little one in her stomach, I have to be close to the little one, right? You're not wrong to say that, are you? As a father, I can only be more ruthless and favor the little one. Anyway, the older one is already married and sensible, and I don't have to worry about them anymore. Let's talk about me. I can't say that I can't bear to part with them. After all, they accompanied me for so long in my previous life, and I should be satisfied. "
This glass of wine might have choked his throat, but he failed to live up to his expectations and started crying again. He cried very loudly, and the tears mixed with the rainwater flowed down his face together.
"Since they're living for real, shouldn't I do something? Let me tell you something from the bottom of my heart. I don't like those bunch of foreign devils. If you say that I'm a nationalist, I'll admit it. You see, if a person is poor, even dogs despise them, let alone a country that is poor. They have a reason to despise you. A few days ago, He Fang mentioned to me that I fought against a foreign devil when I was in school. If he didn't mention it to me, I would have almost forgotten about it. There's a grudge in my heart, and if I can't get it out, I'll feel uncomfortable. I still have to continue to fight against him, and if I don't convince him, I won't be happy. "
"In a few days, I'll be holding a banquet. This can be considered an early wedding wine for you." After saying that, Li He poured the last half of the bottle of wine into the fire. "Oh, right, don't worry. I'll give your son the position of the richest man in Hong Kong. Just like that. "
With a bang, he threw the wine bottle on the tombstone and broke it.
He took a deep breath, straightened his body, and left the cemetery without looking back.
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