Suddenly, she returned to that snowy night.
The cold air around her came in waves. The wind howled and the snowflakes the size of goose feathers. When it was extremely cold, her body would heat up. She squeezed herself in the pile of firewood and refused to come out. When she saw the concubine walk over, she cried loudly, "Why me ah? Why not older sister? Why me ah? "
That year, she was five years old, but that question was indeed what she should have asked.
She grew up in a small fishing village in Jiangnan, but she didn't fish for a living. There was an older sister and a younger brother at home. She was the younger sister of the older sister and the older sister of the younger brother. She was the second oldest. But she didn't know why, although the harvest was good and her father was still working in the rich master's workshop, the family became poorer and poorer. She, who was only five years old, didn't understand these things at that time. However, the second time that trafficker came home was that snowy night. She ran out and hid in the pile of firewood outside the house, not daring to go home until the concubine came to take her back.
"Why me ah?"
She cried as she asked. Her family didn't say anything, but she just knew something. She didn't know what the future would be, but she … was going to be sent out. Although there were many things at home and they were very poor, she still knew that staying at home was the best, better than being outside.
She knew that the one being sent out wouldn't be her younger brother, but she didn't understand why it wasn't her older sister. Although she didn't want her older sister to leave … the concubine hugged her and cried, "Because you're smart, you're smarter than older sister. You're smart. If you go out, you'll have a better chance of survival than older sister. Don't blame your father, blame your mother … "
She always remembered her mother crying and saying that she was smarter. She was sold and changed hands several times. She was sold to a brothel, trained, beaten, and scolded. She had to eat until she was full, then starved. After a few years, she grew into a beautiful woman, and because she was smart, she was fed well. There were even teachers who came to teach them manners, to teach them how to read, and to learn the four arts of zither, chess, calligraphy and painting.
She always remembered her father and concubine. She remembered that snowy night, they said that she was smarter and had a better chance of survival than older sister. When she truly understood all of this, she didn't know whether or not she would hate her father and niang niang. When she was almost thirteen, she showed her face as a prostitute in a brothel for the first time. When she was almost fifteen years old, the copper coins and pieces of silver she had saved up were finally exchanged for a big silver ingot. She was also finally able to get the attention of the brothel mother, who gave her a chance to go back to visit her relatives.
She remembered that when Mother Yang told her about this, she only had a disdainful and sarcastic expression on her face. Mother Yang had always been indifferent towards worthless women. She only felt fear in her heart, unable to understand the meaning behind her gaze. She held the ingot in her hands and even asked Uncle Gui Nu of Golden Wind Pavilion to rent a small carriage for her to return. At that time, she didn't know how to face her father and the Empress. Should she hate them or should she forgive them? She thought that she would be able to figure it out when she arrived. Depending on her mood at that time, she could scold them, turn around, and leave them for the rest of her life. Or she could leave Yuan Bao'er behind, turn around, and leave them for the rest of her life. An ingot was worth fifty taels of silver, which was enough for a family to use for a long time.
But she didn't get the chance to hate them or forgive them.
Her father went up the mountain to chop firewood and fell to his death. Her little brother fell ill and borrowed money from the rich man's family, but his illness still couldn't be cured. After her little brother died, the Empress also died. She remembered what the Empress had said. If you are smart, perhaps there is a way out.
However, her older sister married the son of the rich man's family as a concubine and was still alive today.
So she changed into the clothes of a villager and went to find her older sister. She didn't tell her older sister that she had become a prostitute. In the back courtyard of the rich man's family, her older sister didn't ask her about what she had experienced all these years. She kept talking about how she was fighting for favor with the other concubines, how they didn't like each other, how she was bullied, how her husband, who had studied, spent all day in the town's brothel, and so on and so forth. She didn't stay until noon before leaving because the son of the rich man came back. When he saw her, the expression in his eyes changed. Afterwards, the way her older sister looked at her also changed. She began to hesitate and be on guard.
Later on, she was able to become the top courtesan in Golden Wind Luo. Her older sister's appearance wasn't bad, but ten years of upbringing had caused a difference. Although she was wearing patched clothes, compared to her older sister, she was still too eye-catching. Her older sister … was even somewhat afraid that she would stay and fight for favor with her. She held that ingot and returned to Golden Wind Luo with the turtle slave uncle who accompanied her. From then on, she never went back to that small fishing village.
She was a smart person and knew that there was a way out. From then on, she knew what she wanted. She wanted to follow this path and happily walk down it. She … at least had a much better life than her father and the Empress had. She didn't think too much about it. She became happy. Perhaps in the future, there would be a very, very powerful scholar from a good family who would marry her and become a concubine, living happily for the rest of her life.
Of course, there were also some things that she had always longed for.
She had seen that older sister called Yunzhu when she was studying with her teacher. She had a good temper and was willing to help others. It was said that she used to be the daughter of an official. Perhaps she had the temperament of an official's daughter. She didn't have that kind of temperament. She just felt … a little envious.
Of course, they didn't have much interaction with each other. Later on, they both became prostitutes in Golden Wind Luo and only nodded to each other. Jin'er felt that she had some longing for her. That longing was hard to describe. Of course, not everyone in Golden Wind Luo was used to Nie Yunzhu's way of doing things. Some girls were very hostile to her. They didn't like her family background, her lofty behavior, and her unhappy look. They didn't like how she could be as famous as the most popular courtesan even if she was unhappy. Even Mother Yang Xiuhong seemed to be dissatisfied with Nie Yunzhu and scolded her occasionally.
Yuan Jin'er, who had untied the knot in her heart and seen the road ahead, was very happy. Soon, there were more and more ingots around her. She just looked at all of this and let go of a corner of her heart to look forward to the woman called Nie Yunzhu. Then, she maintained indifferent nodding to her. Later, Nie Yunzhu really left Golden Wind Luo. Mother Yang was a person who was cold on the outside but warm on the inside. Of course, her kindness would not be given out casually, but she still cared about the capable girls in the luo. She had once said that in such an environment, if one did not live up to expectations, then they did not deserve to live. And if one was not beautiful, then it was because the heavens did not give them food to eat. In such a world, there was no one to blame.
She scolded and scolded so that Sister Yunzhu could see the reality and choose an easier path. But in the end, she did not succeed. Even so, she still gave Yunzhu the opportunity to come to the luo and teach the zither in the luo.
However, he would not walk that path. Although he was gradually growing up and could clearly recognize what he longed for in his heart, those were all unnecessary and improper thoughts. She was very smart. She would continue to walk this path of survival. Or, to say that she was a utilitarian person. Sometimes, she felt that her father and mother sent her out because they wanted her to live, and it was good to live … But when she saw that Nie Yunzhu was living in poverty, she could not help but want to give some money to her …
She was a utilitarian person. She convinced herself like this. But in the end, a smart person could not help but think too much. After coming out of Golden Wind Luo, was Mother Yang happy or disappointed with her sharp mouth? Maybe it was both. What did Father and Her Ladyship in heaven think? Did they think that she did the right thing, or did they think that she had given up the path of survival? She did not know.
But she was very happy. People who could come out of that environment easily became close sisters. They helped each other in difficult times. From then on, she regarded Sister Yunzhu as the closest person to her. After that, there was also that strange man who would suddenly appear or disappear, which became the barrier between her and Sister Yunzhu. But he also brought her to see scenery that she had never thought of before.
Gradually …
She liked to bicker with him. She liked to see him tell jokes. He did not look serious. She liked to see his helpless expression when he saw that she had taken over Sister Yunzhu. She loved to see the smug look on his face after he took advantage of Yun Zhu without her noticing. Did he know that she did it on purpose?
She liked to see him calm in front of her and Sister Yunzhu. Calm in front of others. She liked to hear people talk about him and hear people praise him. She liked the way he looked when he was serious. She liked the way he protected her and Sister Yunzhu in front of the Su family. She liked and disliked the way he looked when he was stained with blood. Would he know that she liked him so much …
It was also because of him and Sister Yunzhu. She gradually saw that in her heart, the little girl standing in the wind and snow. She held her Yuan Bao'er and kept crying. She was in her heart. Maybe she was in pain. Unfortunately, this little girl could not see it. She could not feel the pain. Until now, she could gradually see her. And because she saw her, she felt that she was no longer in pain.
*****
"… There's no problem. It's not an illness. She's depressed and her blood flow is a little messy. She has something on her mind and can't get out. Her sleep and diet are probably affected these few days. But looking at her physical condition, she's fine. It hasn't been long. I just gave her some medicine and she drank it to deceive her … Her personality was more lively before, right? "
Under the eaves, the middle-aged doctor with the medicine box said so. After hearing this, Ning Yi looked back into the room and nodded. "Yes, she was more lively … Is she really fine?"
"This kind of mental illness isn't a big deal, but it's not a small deal either. Some women live in deep mansions and are depressed. If they can't get rid of it, they'll only live for eight to ten years in the long run." The middle-aged doctor gossiped for a while and then shook his head with a smile. "But I don't think this girl has such a problem. You can find the root of the problem and enlighten her. She will eat and sleep well … I'll get someone to send the prescription to you later. I'll take my leave first."
"This is the consultation fee … Thank you. Take care. " Ning Yi took out some silver from his sleeve, then cupped his hands and watched the doctor leave. He stood under the eaves and looked at the woman who was still unconscious on the bed. After a moment, he raised his head, took a deep breath, and then let it out, then walked inside.
"Really …"
*****
When she woke up, she realized that she had a long dream. When she opened her eyes, the bright sunlight shone on the door. The light powder swirled in the air. The window on the other side was open, and the wind blew in. It was cool and bright, rustling the books and papers.
Only then did she realize that she was sleeping on the bed in Ning Yi's room. There seemed to be a wet towel covering her forehead. The cool feeling was very comfortable. However, there was still some pain in the spot where she had bumped into earlier. She was afraid that there was a bump.
She turned her head and saw Ning Yi sitting at the table sorting out his manuscript. Jin 'er recalled that she messed up his manuscript and felt a little guilty. So she didn't dare to move. She quietly closed her eyes and pretended that she hadn't woken up.
It wasn't purely because of the manuscript that she couldn't face him. In that case, she would bury her head in the ground and pretend that the world was peaceful …
She thought in her heart.
*****
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