She was talking about her childhood.
"… At that time, Mother didn't like me very much because I was a girl." Looking at the sky, Su Tan'er smiled and said softly, "She has always hoped … that she can give birth to a boy for Daddy in the future. Daddy thinks the same way too. But at least Daddy treats me a little more warmly. He says that I'm smart and that I'll definitely be smarter with a younger brother in the future. Father always looked at me to see a future younger brother, but Mother didn't even want to look at him. At that time, I always clung to Mother, but Mother ignored me. Sometimes when I did something wrong and annoyed her, she didn't hit me. She just waved her hand and asked the wet nurse to carry me away. Husband, this is the biggest contempt in this world … Later, when I found out that Mother always wanted a younger brother, I even hated him a little at first. I didn't understand what was so different about a girl … "
The wildflowers on the hillside were blooming in spots. Su Tan 'er put her hand on her lower abdomen and looked at the white clouds flowing away in the evening. Ning Yi closed his eyes and smiled. At this time, he opened his eyes: "It's okay, they don't like us, and we don't like her."
"Ah, I can dislike Mother, but Husband can't. Otherwise, people will say that the son-in-law is not filial."
Ning Yi tilted his head and looked at her for a while. He said seriously: "They can't win against me in a scolding."
"Pfft …" Su Tan 'er couldn't help but cover her mouth. After a while, she looked at the sky and spoke again.
"Among girls, I was a bit strange. Later on, when I went to school, I didn't think that it was human nature like those girls from noble families. Instead, I felt that Father and Mother didn't treat me well, and that it was unfair at all. I grew up with the wet nurse in that big house. On one hand, I felt that I wanted to be a boy that Father and Mother would regret, and I wanted to take over the family business. On the other hand, I felt that as a girl, I must learn all the things that a girl should learn. Otherwise, it would prove that I actually envy those boys, and I would lose. "
Ning Yi reached out and took away a straw stuck to the end of her hair. Su Tan 'er's voice was leisurely: "Growing up in that kind of home, the wet nurse was good to me when I was a child. She always said that we were from a noble family, and I was a lady from a noble family, and everyone was envious. But when I became sensible, I felt that there was nothing to be envious about. Father didn't like me, and Mother didn't like me either. If it was a small family, there wouldn't be such troubles. In fact, I also understood that if it wasn't for the fact that the family was too big, if I had an older brother above me, Father and Mother wouldn't have so much pressure, and I wouldn't have been left out in the cold. I … I didn't like Father and Mother during those times. Later on, I realized that I had become like them.
"I … I wasn't a lady from a noble family. I just learned from others. Actually, I didn't look like one. I … liked poetry, but I didn't compose it well, and I didn't know how to read it. So I told myself that at that time, there were too many things to learn and business, and I didn't have time … Actually, it wasn't like that. I didn't like poetry at all. I just liked the feeling of being sought after … Sometimes, when I thought about it and looked at Father and Mother, I thought that I shouldn't have children in the future. If I had children and couldn't raise them well, they would blame me, the mother, like me. What should I do … "
"The standard was too high. No one would purely like poetry … You would be a good mother." Ning Yi interrupted.
Su Tan'er shook her head and smiled. "When I was 14 or 45 years old, I didn't want to get married, so I kept dragging it on. When I really couldn't drag it on any longer, I chose Husband."
She tilted her head and looked at Ning Yi who was lying beside her. "But I wasn't sincere at that time. I asked Xiaochan to take care of Husband. On the day of the wedding, I ran away and only came back a few days later. Although we lived together later on, I didn't treat Husband with much respect and care …"
"Wasn't it good enough?"
Su Tan'er shook her head while lying on the grass. Her expression had already calmed down. There was only a natural smile on her face. "No …" When she said that, her voice was already slightly choked with sobs. "It wasn't good. It was just … I was pretending. I pretended to be a lady from a wealthy family. I pretended to understand the big picture, just like how I pretended to like poetry. I … was just thinking about myself. I wanted to stabilize Husband. I wanted this family … to look like a family. I didn't want others to criticize me. That was enough. I didn't think about Husband … "
"Women are so troublesome …"
"… But now I do."
Their voices rang together. Ning Yi was mumbling out of boredom, while Su Tan 'er was speaking in a low voice, choked with sobs. After saying that, she couldn't help but chuckle. Ning Yi closed his eyes and stretched his palm horizontally. His fingers almost hit Su Tan'er's cheek. Su Tan'er tilted her head and slightly closed her eyes. She leaned her cheek against his hand and felt the touch of his fingers.
Both of them had always been decisive people. They didn't like to be pretentious. When they were together, there was no doubt that they would talk at night in a small building, which seemed to be romantic in this era. But in fact, Su Tan'er was sophisticated. When they had a heart-to-heart talk in the small building, they also tried to talk in a natural manner. There were not many sweet words. Later, when the Su family suffered a disaster, their relationship advanced by leaps and bounds. Then, when Su Tan'er burned down the building and consummated their marriage, although there were a few sweet words occasionally, they were basically in bed.
It was rare to see Su Tan'er's young daughter being coquettish. They were both powerful people. Even if they were really flirting, they would stop at a distance. It was just that in the past two days, after finding out about her pregnancy and Ning Yi's injuries, although she had stayed by Ning Yi's side silently and didn't say much, it was only now that she truly opened her mouth to vent these things that she originally thought she didn't need to care about.
"Now I know that Husband knows what happened at that time. I guess I can't hide those things in my heart from Husband. It's really embarrassing to think about it … At that time, I thought that Husband was a silly scholar who read a few silly books and didn't know how to think about things and didn't know how to deal with people. I just thought that as long as I could control Husband, it would be fine. How could a silly scholar like Husband be a match for me …"
Ning Yi smiled and said, "Not now."
"Husband was open-minded. Maybe he thought that was also human nature. But now I think that it would be good if I could do it again. I must treat Husband well. I … want to learn to be a real lady from a respectable family. I want to be a good wife and teach children. I don't want to marry Husband at the age of 18 and let others say that Husband married a shrewish old lady. If I married Husband at the age of 14 or 15, that would be good. In that way … in that way … everything would be different. I wouldn't have willfully dragged Husband to Hangzhou … "
When Su Tan'er said those words, although she was a little choked with sobs, she was still calm. But when she said the last sentence, she finally cried. She clenched her fists and put them on the side of her body. She trembled slightly and cried hard. This woman had always been arrogant. Although she was always restrained under the appearance of gentleness, she usually dominated the business world. The outlook that she had developed was almost as sharp as a knife as Ning Yi's. Once something happened, the first thing she would do was to find a way to solve it. The emotion of regret could at most be called induction or reflection. But at this time, she knew that the journey was difficult and her husband's injury was likely to be affected because of the long journey. So, she actually felt guilty for such emotions.
Ning Yi sighed and moved closer to his wife. Su Tan'er grabbed his clothes and clenched her teeth as she sobbed.
"We'll go back. There's still a chance," Ning Yi said.
Su Tan'er had already started crying. "I want to give birth to a child for Husband now. I want to be a good wife and teach children. I don't want to put on a strong front anymore. I don't want to do business anymore. I don't want to be myself anymore … But now I think, if only we don't have this child now. Even if we don't have it now, it'll be fine in the future. These two days, I've seen Husband doing those things. I've been thinking about how to get out of here. I know that Husband is being pressured by responsibilities. Although Husband would still be like this without the responsibility of having a child, I'm really scared … The doctor said that Husband needs to be at ease with his injury. He needs to recuperate in peace and rely on his own body to get through this. Husband, you've been working so hard for the sake of escaping. How can your body endure it … I tried to persuade you, but I know it's useless … "
She cried loudly beside Ning Yi. She suppressed her emotions so much that her body trembled violently. "These two days, Husband has been asking those people about those things and planning those things. I've been by Husband's side … I've been holding back my words when I've been by Husband's side. Many people have been telling me in my heart that it's useless to say anything. It's useless to say anything. It'll only make you more annoyed. I can't let you worry about me while you're worrying about doing things. But then I thought, if only I'm like those ordinary women. I'll just cry and shout that you're not allowed to do these things, and then I won't have to worry about anything else … "
Ning Yi patted her shoulder. "You also know that it's useless to say anything …"
"When I can't hold it in anymore …" Su Tan'er sniffled. "When I can't hold it in anymore, I'll hide in the tent. I'll sit for a while and hold back my tears. Chan'er and the others have cried several times. They wanted to come and persuade you, but I stopped them. I don't want you to waste your energy talking to them and persuading them. I don't want to talk to you about useless things. I don't want you to waste my energy talking either … I didn't want to talk to you about these things in the first place … "
After saying all this, she cried softly. But compared to before, she was still in a better state. Ning Yi waited for a while and said, "I'll get better."
Su Tan'er wiped away her tears, but they were still falling. She leaned against his chest and nodded. "You must get better. If you don't get better, I won't be able to meet such a Husband. I don't want the child anymore, and I don't want the family anymore … I've never been a good mother. I've done things like breaking up other people's families … Husband, remember this. I'm pregnant with your child. You're very tired now, but you can't say that you're tired. You still have to endure it. But it doesn't matter if you can't endure it. We'll go down to find you … "
She stared at Ning Yi with her eyes wide open. Her lips were tightly pursed on her gentle oval face. She had always been a quiet woman in the business world. Because of her delicate appearance and the fact that she was only a young girl in her early twenties, she didn't look like a decisive businessman. But at this moment, only her big eyes that had just cried revealed a stubborn aura that had been cultivated over a long period of time in the business world. Mixed with her gentle face, it only sent a warm message to the person in front of her: This is your woman.
Ning Yi smiled. "Don't look down on your Husband. No matter what, I'll survive. You'll have this child for sure. "
Su Tan'er touched her lower abdomen and then leaned against Ning Yi. Her other hand grabbed the lapel of Ning Yi's clothes. She closed her eyes and seemed to be mumbling something. It seemed like she was praying, but the mountain breeze blew over and the specific words couldn't be heard.
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