He Yan had never thought that there would be such a difficult time in life. It was so difficult that she couldn't even take a step forward.
She hadn't seen the moon in a long time.
Since she lost her sight, she had been living in a daze. Xu Zhiheng had comforted her, saying that he would always be by her side. He Yan had also smiled and agreed. However, no matter how calm she appeared, her heart was still at a loss and fearful. She had faced many difficulties in her life. Most of the time, she had stood up with a strong will and told herself that everything would be fine after she took this step. Unconsciously, when she looked back, she had already taken many steps.
This was the only step she couldn't take, and she didn't know how to take it.
He Yan was no longer General Feihong. She had become Young Mistress Xu, and she was just an ordinary woman. An ordinary woman suddenly lost her sight. Although her husband still treated her well, it was like a flower in the water, with a kind of illusory perfunctory. She couldn't feel it.
On Chinese Valentine's Day, she sat in the fu until late at night, but Xu Zhiheng didn't return. She originally thought that it was because of some matters at court. She only found out the next day that Xu Zhiheng had accompanied He Wanru to the temple fair. She groped her way to the window in the room and sat down, quietly listening to the servant girls outside chatting.
"Yesterday, Master and Madam quarreled. They quarreled so much that even Master knew. Master is in a bad mood, but we servants are unlucky. Isn't it all because of that person in the east courtyard? "
"If you ask me, I think Master is too soft-hearted. That person in the east courtyard is now blind. How can our Young Mistress be blind? It'll be a joke. Madam even canceled the banquet outside these days because she didn't want others to ask. "
A servant girl couldn't stand it and spoke up for her, "Young Mistress wasn't born blind. She's already very pitiful for suddenly becoming like this."
"Pitiful? What's so pitiful about her? Even if she's blind, she can stay in the fu and be served every day. At least she doesn't lack food and clothing. What's the difference between her and that pet? The pitiful one is Master. At such a young age, he has to be tied up with this blind person for the rest of his life. Our Master is talented and unparalleled. What kind of woman can't he find? Why does he have to find someone like this? "
"Yes! I'm the pitiful one! "
Words like these were like sharp hooks that drilled into her heart, making her bleed profusely.
That night, she sat in her room and waited for Xu Zhiheng to come back. She said to him, "Let's divorce."
Xu Zhiheng was startled and asked warmly, "Why do you say that?"
"Or you can divorce me." She didn't like to beat around the bush, so she spoke the truth. "Now that I can't see, there's no need for me to burden you."
"You and I are husband and wife." Xu Zhiheng held her hand and said, "Don't talk about this anymore. Rest early."
He changed the subject, but did not deny He Yan's claim of being a burden.
He Yan's heart sank.
Every day after that, she lived a life of being provided with clothes and food, and often heard the servants in the residence secretly ridiculing her. Madam Xu's words were full of sarcasm, implying that He Yan was a burden to the Xu family.
Xu Zhiheng still treated her gently, but other than that, there was nothing else.
He Yan felt very tired.
She seemed to be walking on a dark road in the middle of the night, with no passersby. She couldn't see the light in front of her, and there was no place to retreat behind her. She didn't know when she would reach the end and end this torturous life.
A few days before the Mid-Autumn Festival, she said to Xu Zhiheng, "I know Yuhua Temple on Mount Lianshan. There's an immortal tree in the temple that's very spiritual. During the Mid-Autumn Festival, can we go to the mountains? I want to hang silk on the tree and make a wish. Maybe my eyes can be cured."
Since she lost her sight, she almost never asked for anything from Xu Zhiheng. Xu Zhiheng was stunned for a moment, but he finally agreed. He said, "Okay."
Perhaps it was because when one was unlucky, even drinking cold water would get stuck in one's teeth. In previous years, the Mid-Autumn Festival was sunny, but this year, it rained for days. When the carriage reached the mountain, the sky was unbelievably gloomy. It was impossible to go down the mountain that afternoon. Perhaps they would have to stay on the mountain for one more night.
Xu Zhiheng helped her to the temple. A monk stuffed a piece of red silk into her hand and told her the location of the immortal tree behind the temple. He Yan stroked the red silk and thanked the monk.
The monk clasped his hands and said kindly, "If you suffer a hundred thousand calamities, your work will not perish. When the time comes, karma will reap what you sow."
She didn't understand Buddhist scriptures. She wanted to ask again, but the monk had already walked far away.
It was raining. Xu Zhiheng accompanied He Yan to the side of the immortal tree.
There were stone tables and stone stools beside the immortal tree for the pilgrims who usually came to hang the red silk to write. Xu Zhiheng laid out the red silk for her and stuffed a brush into her hand. He said, "Write."
He Yan wrote slowly based on her feelings: I hope I can still see the moon.
He didn't need to think to know that the handwriting must be crooked and terrible.
After she finished writing, she carefully handed the red silk to Xu Zhiheng. Xu Zhiheng helped her hang the immortal tree. He Yan couldn't see anything, so she didn't see it. Her husband stood up and casually hung the red silk on a branch by his elbow. He didn't even bother to tie the red silk properly and just hung it casually. There was no shelter on the tree. After a short while, the red silk was soaked by the rain. The handwriting on it quickly became a blurry ink stain. It was difficult to see what was written.
"Let's go." Xu Zhiheng came over and helped He Yan leave.
"Boom!" A small clap of thunder resounded. Suddenly, a gust of cold wind blew, causing the tree branches to rustle. The red silk that was not tied properly was blown off by the wind. It smashed into the puddles of water, splashing mud all over.
He Yan seemed to feel something and asked worriedly, "The wind is so strong. Won't it blow the silk away?"
"How could it?" Xu Zhiheng smiled and comforted her. "It's tied very tightly." After he said that, he stepped over the red silk as if he didn't see it.
The rain showed no signs of stopping. They had no choice but to stay in the mountains for the night.
Xu Zhiheng went to find the masters of Yuhua Temple to discuss the sutras. It was already evening. He Yan sat quietly in the room with the lights on.
At this time, she should have gone to bed and rested. As a blind person, there was nothing she could do except sleep and eat. But tonight, the rain was sparse and she couldn't sleep. She didn't know what time it was. She called the maids' names twice, but no one answered. She leaned against the wall and slowly walked out, intending to call someone.
When she reached the door, she heard two maids talking.
"I think I heard Young Mistress calling for someone?"
"Really? Don't worry about it. It's so late. What's the point of calling for someone? You're already a blind person, yet you're still making trouble. Do you really think you're Young Mistress? "
He Yan was startled when she heard this.
These two maids weren't her personal maids. They were Xu Zhiheng's servants. Usually, they were gentle and gentle. Because of her relationship with Xu Zhiheng, they had always treated her with respect. She didn't know that they were talking about her like this in private.
"If she didn't want to go up the mountain today, we wouldn't have to spend the Mid-Autumn Festival here. It's still raining outside. It's really unlucky. Sir is just too kind. He's not angry even with such a burden. "
"It's not like you don't know Sir's temperament. On the surface, he's not angry, but in his heart, he's always unhappy. Our Xu family has become a joke in the capital. Sir has always been proud and arrogant. Thinking about it, his heart must be very uncomfortable. If I were her, I'd hang myself with a rope so that I won't be a burden to others. "
"Shh! You can't say such nonsense! "
The maids who spoke disagreed. "You're like an animal. Every day, you wait for someone to feed you. After eating, you sleep. You're always being served. You can't leave the residence, and you can't see anyone. Life is boring. It's okay for one or two years, but if you have to live like this for the rest of your life, what's the point of living? It's better to die early and be free. Perhaps you'll be able to see the rest of your life if you're reincarnated. "
"Stop talking. There's hot water outside. Let's go get some hot water first."
The sound of footsteps gradually faded away.
He Yan slowly slid down to sit with her back to the door.
Yes, one or two years was fine, but if she had to live like this for the rest of her life, what was the point of living?
The maids in the master's room didn't dare to trample on whoever the master thought highly of. Since these two people could talk about her as if nothing had happened, it was clear that Xu Zhiheng wasn't as free of regrets in the room as he was in front of her.
However, in this world, how many people could be free of regrets?
He Yan didn't know if the lights in the room were on or not. To her, it was all the same. All of a sudden, he felt like he had lost all hope. When she was young, she practiced martial arts. When she was young, she went to school. Later on, she went to the battlefield and fought for military merits. She had been working for others for the rest of her life. With great difficulty, she finally took off her mask. She thought that she could start all over again, but at this time, she fell into darkness again. Moreover, she would be trapped in a four-corner house for the rest of her life. She had to be followed every step she took.
A person's despair wasn't accumulated overnight. Little by little, the little things in daily life nibbled away at his passion. His passion was slowly being exhausted. Disappointment and heaviness weighed down on him, and the last straw fell gently. With a splash, hope sank to the bottom of the water.
Despair covered the sky and covered the earth.
She groped around and slowly stood up.
There was a belt left over from her clothes in the room. She randomly grabbed her outer garment and put it on. She picked up the bamboo pole she used when she was blind and shakily went out the door.
There were few people in the mountain temple. Because it was dark and raining outside, the monks had already entered the temple hall. She walked around randomly and unexpectedly didn't bump into anyone.
Fortunately, when she was young, she had cultivated the habit of memorizing the road. She still remembered that when she went up the mountain, Xu Zhiheng told her that there was a dense forest near the mountain stream not far from the temple. The waterfall was like pearls and jade falling on a plate. It was magnificent and strangely beautiful.
There were mountains, water, and trees. It was pretty good. Unfortunately, it was raining tonight and there was no moon, which she liked.
It was inconvenient for a blind person to go out, especially on a muddy mountain road. She didn't know how many times she fell and how many times she was tripped by Shi Tou. She only felt that her clothes were wet from head to toe and her hair was messy. In the end, she was gasping for breath and didn't know where she was.
She fell in front of a tree and hit her head on the trunk. He Yan reached out and groped around. This tree was very big. It should be an old tree.
She probably couldn't find a dense forest with a waterfall. Here was also fine. She had never cared much about external objects. It took her a long time to move to a piece of Shi Tou.
He Yan was exhausted. He sat down on the Shi Tou.
The rain was a little lighter, and it hit her body densely. The young woman looked up at the sky, as if she could see the moon. Only the rain slid down her cheeks. She wiped the water off her face.
"Don't be a boat on the river. Don't be a moon on the river."
"The boat carries people and leaves. The moon shines on people and leaves."
She didn't have anything to miss about this world. The only thing she missed was that there was no moon tonight.
He Yan slowly stood up and touched the cloth beside her. The cloth was tied tightly. She pulled it down. It was very stable. It shouldn't break.
She kicked the Shi Tou away.
The cloth that was twisted into a rope broke with a sound.
He Yan was caught off guard and fell to the ground.
The mud on the ground splashed on her. She was stunned for a moment. Suddenly, she understood that the cloth was broken.
It was broken?
For a moment, she couldn't suppress the inexplicable grievance and sorrow in her heart. She choked for a moment, then sobbed softly. Then, she lay on the ground and cried loudly.
He Yan rarely shed tears.
As a general, shedding tears would affect morale. On the battlefield, she always had to maintain her confident and energetic appearance, as if nothing could affect her judgment. When she was no longer a general, she would feel that she was being unreasonable if she wanted to cry again.
But there were always times when people were weak. When she was neglected, she could endure it. When she was blind, she could endure it. When she heard the taunts of the maidservants, she could endure it. When her mother-in-law hinted that she would be a burden, she could endure it.
But if she couldn't even kill herself, and even the cloth was about to break, she couldn't endure it.
Her tears were hot. Big drops of tears flowed down her cheeks and fell into the mud under her body. She couldn't tell which was the rain and which was the tears.
She cried heartbreakingly. Suddenly, she heard a strange voice.
It was a man's voice. In the wind and rain, his voice was deep and pleasant. With a hint of impatience, he asked, "Why are you crying?"
He Yan's crying stopped abruptly.
Xiao Jue looked at the woman in front of her.
This was a woman who was seeking death. She was in a sorry state from head to toe. She was wearing a white inner robe, but she was wearing a red outer robe. Even the belt of the outer robe was tied incorrectly. Perhaps she had fallen many times on the road, but the robe had several holes. Her face was also extremely dirty. She looked like a cat with mud everywhere.
Xiao Jue loved cleanliness. She felt that this scene was very offensive. Finally, she couldn't help but take out a white handkerchief and hand it over.
The woman didn't take it. She made a defensive posture and asked, "Who are you?"
He was surprised for a moment. He noticed that the other party's eyes were wandering. After thinking for a moment, he put away the handkerchief and squatted down to ask, "You can't see?"
The woman was stunned for a moment. She replied fiercely, "Yes! I'm blind! "
She said it with arrogance.
Fei Nu stood behind him and was about to step forward. Xiao Jue gently shook his head at him.
He Yan clenched her fists vigilantly.
She just wanted to quietly hang herself. Now, the cloth was broken and a stranger saw her embarrassing situation. Why did the heavens always treat her so unexpectedly?
Xiao Jue looked at her indifferently and bent down to pick up the throwing knife on the ground. Just now, he had used this knife to break the cloth on the tree.
"What do you want?" He Yan asked.
Xiao Jue replied, "I'm just passing by."
He really wasn't a good person who liked to meddle in other people's business.
He had already done his best to go to this extent. Xiao Jue stood up and turned to leave. After a few steps, Fei Nu came closer and whispered, "Today, Yu Hua Temple only has Hanlin Scholar Xu Zhiheng and his wife. This woman should be He Yan, Young Mistress Xu who was blind a few days ago."
He Yan? He raised his eyebrows. He Rufei's younger sister?
Xiao Jue turned around to look.
The woman had already found the broken piece of cloth. The cloth was not long, but it could still be used after it was broken into two. First, she used half of the cloth to draw a few lines around her neck. After confirming that it could still be used, she shakily tied a knot with the cloth.
She actually wanted to hang herself again.
Xiao Jue was a little incredulous and wanted to laugh.
This kind of stubbornness bordering on stupidity was very similar to her cousin.
Most people seek death out of a moment of anger. They hang themselves and jump off a cliff. When the moment comes, most people will regret it, but it's too late.
Since this woman had already tasted death, she wouldn't seek death again. He didn't expect her to be so stubborn. Even if the rope was broken, she still wanted to continue.
He shouldn't have cared. No one could stop a person who was determined to die.
But Xiao Jue suddenly remembered many years ago. On a Mid-Autumn night like this, a young man anxiously returned home, only to find his mother's cold corpse.
The scene in front of him seemed to overlap with the past. For a moment, he couldn't tell which night it was.
Fei Nu was behind him, looking at him in confusion.
Xiao Jue took a deep breath and finally compromised. He walked to the woman's side and asked, "Why do you want to die?"
He Yan was shocked.
She clearly heard the other party's footsteps leaving. Why did she suddenly turn back? She had been forced to compromise her whole life and was manipulated by others. Now that she was at her end, she didn't want to think about others. This person's meddling in other people's business made her unhappy, so she vented all her anger on him.
She almost shouted back, "It's none of your business!"
The young man grabbed her arm and pulled her up from the ground.
He Yan was shocked. She struggled for a bit, but she was already stumbling and didn't have any strength left. She couldn't see, so she was dragged along. After taking two steps, she was thrown down and sat on the ground.
The ground was soft. It was a patch of grass.
That person seemed to be standing beside her. He bent over and said in a cold voice, "Why do you want to die?"
He Yan was also angry. She shouted, "I said it's none of your business! There's no moon today, so I want to die! The mountain road is too slippery, so I want to die! Even the rope I tied will break, so I want to die! I met a meddlesome person like you here, so I want to die! Is that enough? "
She shouted fiercely, but tears rolled down her cheeks. She was originally an aggressive tiger, but now she looked more like a wet wild cat with nowhere to go.
Fei Nu stood nervously behind Xiao Jue.
It was rare for Second Young Master Xiao to be patient enough to meddle in other people's business. This woman was also so fierce. It was even rarer.
After He Yan shouted, she suddenly felt something wipe her face. It was soft and dense like the clouds in spring.
Indifferent, with a trace of imperceptible warmth, a comforting voice sounded.
"If you really want to be strong, so what if you're blind? Even if you're blind, you can be the most different one among the blind."
Her anger came to an abrupt end.
All of his wretched and weak state had nowhere to hide, completely exposed in front of everyone.
"It's nothing. Although I can't see, I can still hear. You're with me, so it's okay." She smiled and said to Xu Zhiheng.
How could it be okay?
How could it be okay?
At night, she used her fingers to trace her eyes over and over again, praying for God's mercy so that she could see again the next day. Those nights where she tossed and turned, those nights where she gritted her teeth and told herself it was okay, those nights where she pretended as if nothing had happened, they didn't know.
They didn't understand anything.
But a stranger passing by understood.
She couldn't cry, couldn't be seen as weak, couldn't complain, couldn't lose her temper. It had been too long, so long that these emotions were like silkworms spinning silk, wrapping her layer by layer into a strong cocoon. She sat alone in the cocoon, isolated from the outside world.
He Yan outside the cocoon was gentle, optimistic, and always thinking of others with a smile. He Yan inside the cocoon was painful, wronged, and suppressed his cries for help.
For so many years, from "He Rufei" to "He Yan", she had never taken off her mask.
Until tonight, a stranger passing by saw through everything. He took off her mask and saw her tears.
All her defenses and vigilance were instantly deflated. She slowly lowered her head, and her tears fell even bigger.
He originally thought that after saying this sentence, He Yan would stop crying, but he didn't expect her to cry even louder. The rain showed no signs of stopping, and the grass below was already wet.
Xiao Jue hooked his finger, and Fei Nu stepped forward. He took the umbrella in Fei Nu's hand and held it over He Yan's head.
He Yan still didn't stop crying.
He had never seen such a fierce, bad-tempered woman who could cry so much. It was hard to imagine that He Rufei, who was so silly and happy, would have such a different sister.
Xiao Jue was dumbfounded by her crying. He couldn't bear it anymore and finally said, "Don't cry."
"Why can't I cry?" She was like an ignorant wild cat, showing her claws to the person who fed her. Her voice was already hoarse, but she still wanted to argue, "Not only will I cry, I will also seek death. I'm already like this, what's the point of living, sob sob sob sob …"
Xiao Jue: "…"
He had never coaxed a woman before, and this was the result of his first attempt? Why was she so stubborn?
"What do I have to do to make you stop crying?" He suppressed his anger, "So that you won't continue to hang yourself."
He Yan sobbed and sobbed. Now that she was here, she no longer had any thoughts of seeking death. Sometimes, people were just stuck at a juncture. If it was over, it was over. If it couldn't be over, it couldn't be over. This passerby appeared out of nowhere, and his words were not very warm, but …
But she didn't want to die.
She said, "If you can give me a piece of candy now, I won't seek death."
When she was young, she liked to eat sweet things. However, after she was five years old, Madam He kept a very strict watch on her. She was afraid that she would be exposed, so she had to get rid of her sweet habit. Later, she joined the army. There were no sweet candies in the army, only coarse dry biscuits. After she got married, He Yan saw that He Wanru was sick. Xu Zhiheng went to visit her and specially brought her a small box of candied plums.
When He Wanru took a sip of medicine, Xu Zhiheng stuffed a piece of candied plum into her mouth. He Yan saw this when he passed by the window. For a moment, jealousy rose in his heart. He didn't know if he was envious that Xu Zhiheng was so good to He Wanru, or that He Wanru could get a lot of sweetness after suffering a little.
He Yan had never been willful, but tonight, he didn't know why, but he seemed to want to show his willfulness to the extreme in front of this stranger.
The young man was slightly startled. He turned his head to look at the person beside him.
The woman's face was carelessly wiped a few times with a handkerchief. Her cheeks were still muddy. Her eyes were slightly red and swollen, but they were surprisingly bright. Her stubborn expression was familiar.
It was very similar to a clumsy teenager.
He was silent for a moment. His slender fingertips reached for the sachet at his waist.
Fei Nu was shocked.
He held the dark blue sachet in his hand. He pinched the bottom of the sachet and poured out a piece of osmanthus candy wrapped in candy paper.
It had been too long. The candy paper and the candy had been stuck together. It was so dark that it was impossible to see its original appearance. After Madam Xiao died, Xiao Jue carried the last piece of osmanthus candy with him. Over the years, this candy had accompanied him through many difficult times. When he couldn't hold on anymore, he looked at this candy. It seemed that he could taste a little sweetness in the world.
This was the only sweetness in his life. Now, he was going to give it to a woman who couldn't stop crying and wanted to die. He thought that he didn't need candy in his life. So be it.
He Yan felt something stuffed into her hand.
She subconsciously clenched it and wanted to peel it off.
"You can't eat it." A man's voice sounded beside her.
"What?" She said, "Are you lying to me? You randomly found a piece of Shi Tou and told me that it's candy? "
He Yan heard the other person's voice. There was a hint of disappointment in his voice. "This is the last piece of candy left in the world. It's very sweet, but you can't eat it. "
"Are you crazy?" He Yan never knew that she was such a greedy person. She thought that this person must have a good temper and a soft heart to tolerate her nonsense again and again. She said, "It's very sweet, but you can't eat it. There's only one in the world. Is this a gift from His Majesty?"
She didn't see that the handsome young man sitting beside her lowered his head and smiled indifferently. He said, "It's more precious than a gift from His Majesty."
He Yan quickly tore off the candy paper and stuffed it into her mouth when the other person wasn't paying attention.
"You …" He was stunned.
"I've already eaten it. I swallowed it!" He Yan acted shamelessly.
The other person didn't answer.
This was the first piece of candy she had received in her life. The taste of the candy was very strange. It was mixed with her tears. It was so bitter. She thought, so be it.
"Has the rain stopped?" She didn't feel the rain falling on her body. She reached out and scratched her body as she asked the person beside her.
The young man beside her had been kneeling on one knee, holding an umbrella for her. The umbrella was not big. More than half of his body was wet. The side of his face was well-defined, and his eyelashes were covered with fine droplets of water. His eyes were enshrouded with a faint layer of gentleness.
"It stopped."
"Is there a moon in the sky?"
The sky was dark, and there was not a single star. Where did the moon come from?
He answered, "Yes."
"What … is it like outside?"
"The bright moon is like frost, the wind is like water, and the scenery is endless."
He Yan smiled for the first time that night. "It's so nice."
She heard the person beside her ask, "Don't you want to die?"
"I don't want to."
"If you don't want to die, then go home." He said and pulled He Yan up. He Yan subconsciously wanted to grab his hand, but that slender hand with distinct joints had already let go very quickly.
Xiao Jue walked in front of Fei Nu and whispered, "Send him to sister-in-law's room and let her send him back. I'm a man, so it's inconvenient for me to appear."
Fei Nu complied.
When he was about to leave, he suddenly added, "Warn Xu Zhiheng, tell him not to go too far."
This meant that he was going to stand up for He Yan.
Fei Nu came over to support He Yan. He Yan seemed to feel that the other person was about to leave. She reached out in the person's direction and said, "… Thank you. Who are you?"
He didn't speak. He Yan only had time to grab the corner of a sleeve. It slipped from her hand. It was cold and soft, like the moonlight.
Even though she couldn't see anything, she vaguely saw light. It was warm and cold, blazing and bright. It didn't blame her at all. It was patient and tolerant. It saw through all her secrets and wrapped her up gently.
In the end, she didn't know who the other person was.
That was the worst Mid-Autumn Festival that He Yan had ever experienced. She was covered in mud, her hair was unkempt, and her face was dirty. She was only a hair's breadth away from despair. Fortunately, the moon was always by her side.
There was no moon that night, but the moonlight was really beautiful. The thin and soft light had warmed her for many years.
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