Where am I lying?
Why is it so dark around me …
I could vaguely hear someone talking, but I couldn't hear what they were saying.
I'm a little tired. Forget it, I won't listen. I feel like I'm about to disappear, but before I disappear, I have to think about my life.
My life … is actually quite interesting.
I don't know who I am.
So, I naturally don't know what my name is.
Maybe I don't have a name.
How strange. How can there be a person without a name? From what I know, it seems like everyone in this world has their own name.
But I don't.
I can't remember why. I only have a vague memory. It seems like … on a certain day a long time ago, I gave my name to someone else.
I did it willingly.
I feel so stupid. Why would I willingly give my name to someone else …
I don't know. Maybe there's a reason.
Sigh. My thoughts are a little messy. Let me think … These things always reverberate in my thoughts. They seem very important, but I can't remember. I just can't remember. I can't help it.
What I can remember is my childhood.
My childhood, I defined it as my life before the age of twenty. In this ordinary world, I was like other children. I experienced school, I experienced play, and I experienced childish games again and again.
But the people around me always seemed to tell me to study hard, to do this, to do that … At first, I was a little annoyed. Until one day, when I saw the rain falling from the sky, I was suddenly very curious about why it was raining and what rain was.
My teacher gave me the answer to this question. Maybe it was from that day onwards that I was filled with curiosity about this world and everything. I liked to ask why and I liked to get answers. That made me very satisfied.
For this satisfaction, I started to study seriously. It was as if there was a desire that pushed me, making me seek out all the unknown things.
Every time I gained new knowledge, every time I solved a question, I would be especially happy and happy. I felt like I was much different from the rest.
Maybe it was because I was too ordinary, so I was even more infatuated with this feeling of being different from the rest. So, I worked even harder to learn and grasp all the knowledge I could.
This kind of life lasted until I was twenty years old. At that time, I always wanted to show off, whether it was in front of friends, teachers, or the opposite sex.
I always seemed to want to show that I was different from others. Even in the depths of my heart, I always felt that I was different from others.
Although … I don't have an outstanding appearance, I don't have a rich family, and I'm just an ordinary existence among the masses. However, this doesn't affect the little bird that lives in my heart.
This little bird was flying freely in the sky. It was my sustenance, and it was also the wings that made me feel different.
But at the end of the day, I was still a little polarized at that time. The leap in thought and the ordinary reality made me prefer silence most of the time.
It was also at that time that I met a girl. She was my classmate from the next class, and it was also my first crush in my life.
Unrequited love was blissful, but it was also bitter.
But I was willing.
Because this made me like to express myself even more, all the time … I still remember that time, it seemed like expressing myself was an instinct in my life. I even wanted to be a hero, I wanted to be the darling of the world, I wanted to be the center of attention, and I wanted to attract her attention.
So, every time I gave a speech, I put in a lot of effort, and I was also very obsessed with it. Until this crush ended.
It ended without a cause, and in the end, the other party didn't know that I had a crush on her.
On the day of graduation, I was very sad, but I also mustered up my courage. But in the end … I silently lowered my head. Maybe this was a curse, but in the future, when I studied at a higher school, I still had a crush on her.
During this time, I also fell in love with fortune-telling. Every time I was unhappy, I would find a fortune-teller, sit in front of him, and take out some money.
There was a little trick to this, and that was, you couldn't give it first. Then, you would receive countless praises, countless praises, and countless words like you have a good life. This would make me very happy, and after it ended, I would give my pocket money to the fortune-teller.
This kind of life continued for a few years. Before graduation, I received the first love letter in my life. I was very happy, but I didn't like that girl.
After graduation, I had my own job. My impulse to express myself seemed to have reached its peak at this time, so I worked hard, tried hard to express myself, and tried hard to obtain recognition.
Now that I think back to that period of life, it was quite interesting, because in my hard work, I met a girl, and we fell in love.
Love is a cup of bitter coffee.
Although it is bitter, it is also sweet, but in the end … it seems like I can't tell whether it is more bitter or more sweet.
My first love, ended.
It was also at that time that I learned to smoke in this world, and was also attracted by the alcohol in this world. From then on, cigarettes and alcohol became a part of my life.
I was still trying hard to express myself, but the impulse in the bottom of my heart seemed to have faded as the years passed. It was also at this time that, for some reason, the number of the opposite sex around me increased.
The second time I fell in love, the third time I fell in love, and the fourth time I fell in love. Cup after cup of bitter coffee seemed to be connected, and I drank it again and again. Until one day, I met a woman. She was tall, and when she smiled, her eyes were like crescent moons, which made me feel very comfortable.
I thought that perhaps, this might be the last cup of coffee I drank in my life.
We fell in love, and we got married.
At that time, I felt that I could see myself as an old man. It was very relaxed, very comfortable, and very beautiful …
Until one day, many years later, the mirror broke, and at that time, the marriage came to an end.
I couldn't tell who was right or wrong, and I couldn't tell who was angry and who was angry.
Pain, struggle, clenching my teeth, metamorphosis … became the main theme of that time. The little bird in my heart also flew higher at that time, touching the sun and obtaining sunlight.
Perhaps fate likes to joke with people. In my later life, many members of the opposite sex appeared in my world. Some were tall, some were graceful, some were gentle, some were domineering … They were all very beautiful, and they were all very outstanding. They came in groups, and they left in groups. At the same time, as the cycle repeated, it made me feel a little lost.
Because in the end … what I picked up were cups of bitter coffee, like smoke, like wine.
Smoke, bad for the lungs.
Wine, bad for the liver.
The opposite sex … sad.
But I still liked cigarettes, still liked wine, and still had a longing for love …
Until, when I was forty years old, I suddenly realized that, compared to the opposite sex, I liked to chat with my friends, talk about the past, and point out the future.
Every time I drank, I liked to pull my friends along, boast together, laugh together, joke together, and be like teenagers.
Perhaps it was this change that caused me to have more and more friends. I listened to their stories, and they listened to mine. We talked freely, and we confided in each other.
Perhaps I was a little guarded, and perhaps I kept some secrets, but it didn't matter. Happiness was the most important thing.
At that time, I learned that every person was a book. Every person had a story. Every person … was actually lonely to the bone.
And the more I knew, the less lonely I felt.
There were men and women, young and old, and there were all kinds of people among my friends. But it didn't matter. A sincere smile was the power to break through everything.
Gradually, more and more friends liked to confide in me.
Gradually, my smile became brighter and brighter.
Gradually, I seemed to have found a way to make myself happy.
During that period of time in my life, it transcended the pursuit of knowledge, performance, and love. It became the most important part of me.
This was a kind of sharing. Perhaps it was because when one's heart was squeezed to a certain extent, it overflowed. Not only did I need it, many people … needed it too.
In this sharing and confiding, I passed year after year. I don't know when it started, but I stopped liking to confide in others. I started to pursue comfort. This comfort included both mental and physical comfort.
I think it was when my hair started to turn white.
I was no longer limited to what I did or thought. I would think about and do anything that made me feel comfortable. I started to like looking at the blue sky, looking at the white clouds, and looking at the sunrise. But I didn't like the sunset.
But I also liked the starry sky in the night.
I liked to sit in a rocking chair, have a drink, and casually pick up a book. As I read, I enjoyed the air, I enjoyed the time, and I enjoyed everything.
I stopped staying up late, and I started to wake up early.
I stopped being obsessed with the why of everything, because I had the answer to many things.
I stopped thinking about performance, because I saw too clearly.
I also didn't continue to pour my heart out, because that would only make people bored.
I also stopped thinking about the opposite sex, because when I looked at them, I just smiled. Perhaps there were some memories in my eyes, but the figures in my memories might not be clear to me.
The only thing I pursued was to make my life more comfortable, to make my heart more stable. It seemed that everything in this world became more beautiful in my eyes.
This kind of life continued for a long time … until one day, I touched my face and felt many wrinkles. I looked at my hands and saw many wrinkles and spots.
My eyes also became a little dim, and everything around me became blurry. But when I looked at myself in the mirror, I still tried my best to straighten my body. The smile on my face was still beautiful.
But … outside the mirror, I knew that I was afraid.
I became very timid. I became very cautious.
I knew what I was afraid of, because sometimes when I woke up in the night, I seemed to see figures formed by the aura of death, silently looking at me from outside the window.
It was as if they were summoning me, waiting for me.
I didn't want to follow them.
Even if some of them were my old friends.
I didn't want to see them. I was very afraid.
I didn't want to die. I wanted to live, to always live … This urge to live made it difficult for me to breathe sometimes.
At this time, I would pay attention to my old friends, tell them to take care of their bodies, and care about their health, because … I didn't want to see them go far away.
This would make it harder for me to breathe, and I would be even more afraid of death.
Why did humans have to die?
I often thought about this question, and I also thought about what I was afraid of. Was I really afraid of death …
The answer was yes.
But behind this affirmative answer, I have another answer.
I was afraid of being alone.
If I left, I would be alone.
If they left, I would be alone too.
This fear of death, this fear of loneliness, turned into a force that filled my body, supporting my existence. But … my body seemed to be full of holes. After this force appeared, it dissipated at a speed visible to the naked eye.
I wanted to keep them, but I couldn't do it.
It was as if I didn't even have the strength to get out of bed. I felt the aura of death permeating me. My desire, my everything, seemed to be disappearing.
At that moment, I suddenly understood something.
Being afraid was useless.
That day, I remembered that I seemed to have regained my strength. So, I tried my best to sit up, dressed myself neatly, and walked to the courtyard, to my rocking chair. In the end, I sat on the rocking chair and looked at the setting sun in the distance.
The autumn wind blew, and it was cold, causing the branches in the courtyard to sway slightly.
In this season, there was only one yellow leaf left on the branch. It curled up and didn't fall.
I looked at the setting sun, looked at the only leaf on the branch, and suddenly felt that everything was beautiful. Gradually … I smiled.
In this smile … I saw the setting sun. I saw the moment dusk passed, and the only leaf on the branch fell.
It floated, floated … just like how my rocking chair rocked.
Then, it floated in front of me and covered my eyes. It covered all the light, causing the curtains to fall on this world in my eyes.
But my consciousness didn't seem to dissipate.
It was pitch black all around me, and I didn't know where I was. Maybe I was still on the rocking chair …
It is precisely because my consciousness is still present that … I have this memory of my life.
I thought that my life might not be exciting to others, but to me, it was the only one.
It was also at this moment that I seemed to hear a call, a voice …
It seemed like someone was calling me, asking me to wake up …
But I couldn't hear it clearly, and could only recognize it based on my feelings. That voice was familiar, as if I had heard it before in the past.
"What is he saying …"
"Louder, I can't hear you." I looked into the darkness and tried my best to speak. Maybe it was my efforts, but gradually, just as my consciousness was about to blur, the voice became clearer.
"I hope … you can be free for all eternity."
My mind shook violently!
"I hope … you can be free and happy for all eternity."
My consciousness stirred up a huge wave!
"I hope … you can never forget your original heart."
My soul roared!
"I hope … you can be happy and happy for all eternity."
My God Soul shook the star ring!
"Finally, I return the name Wang Baole to you." The moment the familiar voice entered my ears … the eyes of the body floating in the starry sky … suddenly opened!
"My name is … Wang Baole!"
End
Thick Earth star ring.
In the void of the starry sky, Wang Baole silently stood where he had woken up. His eyes were filled with complicated emotions as he stared blankly into the distance. After a long, long time … he raised his hand and touched the space between his eyebrows.
After a long while, Wang Baole sighed softly as if he already knew. He lowered his right hand and made a grabbing motion in the distance. A bead and a wine gourd appeared in front of him.
Looking at the bead, Wang Baole was silent for a long time. Then, he raised his left hand and gently grasped it.
The bead was about three inches from the center of his palm. It was all he had, and it was also his world.
In the end, he raised the wine gourd to his mouth and took a big gulp … Shaking his head bitterly, he silently walked into the sea of stars in the distance.
His back was lonely and bleak. The more he walked, the further he went.
"It's better to … continue on this lonely path …"
In the end, it was an illusion destroyed
Who was the gift and who was the calamity …
The Book Ends
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